I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Joan Rivers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk....
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: How much?"
WOMAN: $60,000.
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $420,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?".
The lady replies "I want to kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position - the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife - and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says... "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.
He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
$10.00 a pill answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."
The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to
get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"
The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I have a date with destiny today.
I'm destined to go back to work at 1:00.
I'm also destined to not be very thrilled about that.
BUT!
If today is Monday for me, then tomorrow is Wednesday, and the next day is Friday........which seems entirely logical for some reason.
It's a nuther 3 day week.
That's a big "but."
I'm so fortunate to have a job with a regular schedule.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
YEE HAW!!! YIPPEEEE!!!!
We have no snow here as of yet 
Have a great day all 
Hello Gerry to you when you come in 
Karen we had almost 6 inches of snow yesterday but a warm front came in during the night and melted most of it. 
Haroula nice to see you have time to join us in the Diner in the early morning. 
Happy Day All! 
I know I was here. It must be froze in cyberspace out my window since it was like -8 this morning. BRrrrrrrrr.
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