A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
W.C. Fields
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A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting room. One leans over to the other and says, "What are you in here for?"
The other says, "Circumcision."
The first boy says "Oh, man! I had that done right after I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained.
"Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary.
"You're not sterile."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pretty Bad News
Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What?! Then what's the bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.
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A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life.
Doctor: "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people."
St. Peter: "That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?"
Nurse: "I've supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult."
St. Peter: "Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?"
Health Maintenance Organizaton Director: "I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country."
St. Peter: "Oh, I see. Please go in.. but you can only stay two nights!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning Boomerica how are you?
Say don't'cha know me I'm your native Texson.
Yehaa!
Where's my hat? Oh there it is.
What a cute little filly.
Nice horse too.
I enjoy living out here in the country, but I feel a bit out of place.
A Texican in Okra-homa.
It's like a Third World Country down here.
They don't have our high standards.
They have a special term here for pretty women.
Tourist.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
everyone 
Haroula have a fun day. 
Karen I haven't heard anthing on venus. 
Hope everyone has a nice day! 
,Penelope and Achilles are
Ana 
Well done, Joe! 
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