I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henry Youngman
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Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after
hours.
But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."
"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him.
"Besides, we've been in this affair for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"
And the man says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"
And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.
This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike.
They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files.
The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.
"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go.
Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.
Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him.
The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"
"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.
"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"
"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom.
The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.
When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.
The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" <
"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.
"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"
"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for over three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the doctor.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the doctor.
"Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GOOD MORNING RAH RAH!! GET UP RAH RAH!!
Now you know why I was voted least likely to make a good cheerleader.
Well it wasn't only that. My legs blinded everybody during tryouts.
My jr high, and high school results weren't any better than my grade school tryouts.
I was great however at the gymnastics part of it.
I practiced at home using Ken and Barbi.
There were constant arguments though over who would be on top.......of the pyrimid.
Two person pyrimids were very difficult to do.
The problem was Barbi didn't like being on the top...........or the bottom.
Have a happy day everyone.......rah rah.
joe
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Good morning Joe and all the boomers to follow. 
Looks like I'm going to be shoveling the driveway later 
Hope Thursday is a great day for everyone.
To all awake, 
an earthquake??? So glad that you are safe and Prayers headed up that all are OK over there. Stay safe.
Have a lovely day!
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