Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober."
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A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you are in a Texas church when: People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
The restrooms are outside.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
When it rains, everyone is smiling.
Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".
The pastor wears boots.
Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.
The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."
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This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"About two minutes ago."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle.
Then I realized that God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God morning everyboomie.
Yes that was a deliberate misspelling, and yes I apologize.
It was de-liberating though.
Speaking of liberation, I'M OFF!!!
Aren't you all glad I didn't die yesterday?
It's a MIRACLE!!!
My feet did die though.
The wake is Monday.
I'm calling in lame.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Howdy ho, sweet Joe! God morning to you, too! Thanks for the openers! Hope your day is fabulous!
To all awake, 
Karen 
Good Morning Joe, Darlene, Haroula, Karen and Cailyn. We all know yout "off" Joe! 
Darlene sweet dreams. 
Cailyn I hope you have a great day! 
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