A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.
Sam Goldwyn
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.
The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated a whale could not
swallow a human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
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One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Wow," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Catholic Dictionary
AMEN
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN
Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN
A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN
The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE
Holy Smoke!
JUSTICE
When kids have kids of their own.
PEW
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
RECESSIONAL
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the
parking lot.
RELICS
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS
The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
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3 men standing in front of God
God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.
God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.
Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!
God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.
Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...
God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!
Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.
Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!
Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.
The family called their pastor to stand with them.
As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read outloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
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Good morning everyboomie.
The Super Bowl is over, Sunday is over, and with it goes all hope for any measure of pleasant calm happiness.
The light of the world has fled like a shadow in the night.
Life for all working people will never be the same. The end is eminent.
Monday has returned to suck the life out of more fun loving victims.
I'm having an end of the world party.
Bring your bucket list.
If you're able to smile, have a happy day, ok?
joe
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Thanks for the chuckles Joe! I always awake with a smile so I plan on having a happy day! I hope you have one too. 
Manxman wishing you a happy day. 
Cailyn it was a pretty good game! 
I thought the Pats' could pull it off in those last minutes but it was just not meant to be. I'm doing good Cailyn thanks for asking. 
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