I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
A man reading a magazine in his sitting room sat opposite his son, who was having dinner. He, the son had two cakes in his plate. After watching his plate for a while, he said to his dad,
"Daddy, I can prove that there are three cakes in ma plate,"
"Go ahead," his dad urged him. So the son pointed at the first cake and said,
"This is one," Then, pointing to the third, he said,
"This is two. One and two make three."
"Genius," his father praised. "Now let me have the first cake, your mother the second and you the third."
A little boy was doing his Geography homework one evening and turned to his father and said, "Daddy, where would I find the Andes?" "Don't ask me," said his father. "Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house."
A man on a bike was stopped at the border by police assigned to investigate goods transported across both states. He carried a bag of sand. On perusing through however, the cop found nothing else in the bag and therefore let him go. The next day this man was stopped with his bike and a bag of sand and the same process carried out. Again, he was let off when the cop found nothing illegal. This sequence carried on for three years. One day both men, the cop and the bike guy, met at a pub. "Tell me, man," said the cop, "I promise I will not tell anyone; but what were you smuggling all those years?" Surprised, the man looked at this professional, laughed and shrugged. "Bicycles," he said.
An idiot was walking briskly when he met another equally "intelligent" fellow. The former was carrying a basket with a dozen eggs. He said to the latter, "Tell me what is in this basket and I'll give you six eggs, and if you can tell me how many there are, and I'll give you the whole dozen. "The latter said, "Can you give me some more hints?"
Wife: There's something preying on my mind.
Husband: Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation.
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."
Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot
Lowe's, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
A Satisfied Taxpayer
Good morning everyboomie.
Now where was I before I was so rudely interupted by work?
Oh yes, I was sleeping.
Well now, that is a coincidense. I'm asleep now too.
I like sleeping, a lot.
Sleeping is when I get in the least amount of trouble.
It's mainly my mouth that gets me in trouble. I may talk in my sleep, but there's no one there to hear me.
Otherwise I'd need to stand on my head in a bucket of water to keep my mouth from getting me in trouble.
Make that a bucket of wine.
At least then if my mouth gets me in trouble, I won't care.
Have a happy day everyone.