Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Hillbillies Clem and Maisy Sue get married, then head to the 'community honeymoon shack' up in the holler for the marriage consummating. Along about 11 that night Clem comes shuffling back down the holler and walks into his Ma and Pa's abode. "What you doin' back so soon, boy?" his Pa asks. "Well, Pa, it's this way" Clem starts out, "Maisy Sue and me, we cain't stay married." "And why's thet?" "Well, Pa, yeh see, Maisy Sue, she's a virgin!" To which his father replies "You did good, boy. If she ain't good enuff fer her own kind, she ain't good enuff fer you."
"You wouldn't sleep with Angelina Jolie for a million dollars, would you?", asked the cuddling wife. "Don't be ridiculous", said the husband. "How am I gonna raise a million dollars?"
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They're supposed to help solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18 , 28, 38 and 48?
Age 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
Age 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
Age 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed.
Age 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
Age 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
"Hey Bill... Do you talk to your wife while you are having sex?"
"Only if there's a phone handy", Bill replied.
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
The "Tickle me Elmo" factory just got a new employee. One day two guys go to the boss and complain about the new worker. So the boss goes to see the lady and they find her with a lot of Elmo's and a big bag of marbles and some red fabric. The lady is carefully putting two marbles in a piece of red fabric and then sewing that between Elmo's legs. The boss starts laughing and says, "I told you to give Elmo two test tickles not two testicles!"
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."
Good morning everyboomie.
It's another day in the neighborhood.
It's not the day I want, but,,,,,
Four work days till my next day off.
I may be alive now, but Friday is when I come alive.
Monday is a 4:30 wake up call.
Anybody else need a wake up call at 4:30?
I can ring you.
Considering the early wake up, I'd better get this on the board and get to bed.
Heck! It ain't even dark yet.
Have a happy day everyone.