I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Woody Allen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer, who responded to the alarm.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's Best Comeback!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy applied for a job advertised in the paper for a Zoo Keeper and was asked to come in for an interview.
The interviewer invited the guy into his office, asked him to take a seat and sat down behind his desk to begin the interview.
"So, do you have any experience in this field." the interviewer asked.
"Oh yes. I am more than qualified for this position", the guy replied.
"And what type of experience do you have then?" the interviewer asked.
"I was raised in the Mahale Mountains in Tanzania by monkeys." the guy replied.
The interviewer was convinced he had a real nut case here but was interested in hearing his story anyway. Peering over the rim of his glasses he asked, "Ah yeah, what did you say your name was again?"
"Jim...Jim Pan-Zee."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On arriving home, Norm was met at the door by his sobbing wife, Cheri' who tearfully explained, "It was the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Norm immediately drove in to town to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before Norm could say no more than a few words, the druggist hollered, "Now, just a minute, you hold on! Please just listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I got up late. I had no breakfast and hurried half dressed, out to the car, only to realize that I had just locked the house with both house and car keys inside.
I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. and then three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up, and I started waiting on them, and all the time the [blip] phone was ringing off the hook."
The druggist continued, "Then breaking a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, I spilled them all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the [blip] phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles all of them fell to the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the [blip] phone is has not stopped ringing for a second and when I finally got to answer it. It was your wife, Cheri' wanting to know how to use a digital rectal thermometer... and honest Norm, all I did was really tell her!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCIENCE: BREAD IS DANGEROUS
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.
6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.
7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.
8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.
10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere..."
Written just below it "I do not".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are a lot of people who can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, here's the answer: It's simple... nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we
were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. All the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma and Alaska, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Driving home from visiting Grandma one Sunday, Dad tuned the radio to a country and western station. "How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son. "It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts." Knowing he preferred rock 'n' roll, Dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?" "That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt a button fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off.
I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand.
Now I'm afraid to pee....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped doing that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
How are we today?
I'm tired, over worked, under paid, under appreciated, and my head itches.
Other than that I'm great!
Today's another day just like the other day.
That would be yesterday to ye who are reading this Schmooseday morning.
Which means last night, which is still tonight to me, I had to repeat the whole getting my behind to bed before the sun goes down, so I'll be able to get it again before last night becomes
today tomorrow..........process.
Hmm
My brain hurts.
I think I'm suppose to say "have a happy day everyone."
joe
acebook
witter
to Midge and Ana!
to all Dinerettes! 
I swear I posted here already but I think I never hit submit. 
I hope you have a happy day too! 
AMaG how nice to see you in the Diner! 
Beasong hope the sun shines! 
Haroula hope you have a cool day. 
Cailyn how are you doing? 
Previous Topic
Index