By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
The Philosopher Socrates
Stock Market Investment tips for 2010
Get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2010.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW! (OMG that's funny!)
Why do morons like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
Why did it take the moron an hour to eat breakfast?
Because the orange juice carton instructions said Concentrate ! !
What do you do if a moron throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back at him.
How did the moron fall on the floor?
He tripped over the cordless phone.
How did the moron try to kill a bird?
He threw it off a mountain cliff !
Why did the moron climb the glass wall ?
To see what was on the other side!
How do you confuse a moron?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in one corner!
Hear about the moron that got an AM radio?
It took him a month to realize he could play it at night.
Why did the moron going to the airport turn around and go home?
Because he saw the sign that said "Airport Left".
Two morons were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first moron said "These look like deer tracks,"
and the other moron said, "No, they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued, and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Why can't a moron dial 911?
He can't find the 11 on the phone!
How do you keep a moron in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
I rest my case.
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....."Back off!" she said, they're for the funeral."
But I'm dieing to have one.
An Irishman is really, really drunk, so the bar keeper walks up to him and says:
"Right, you've had enough, go home..."
So the irishman gets up off his stool and falls flat on his face, so he says:
"Ok, ai'll crawl outside instead, to sober up a bit more"
He gets outside, and falls flat on his face, so instead he crawls the four streets to his home. when he gets home he opens the door, standing, and yet again falls flat on his face. so he crawls upstairs into his room, stands up and falls flat on his bed and falls fast asleep straight away.
The following morning his wife wakes him up and says, 'You've been drinking again haven't you?'
The Irishman replies, 'What makes you say that?'
His wife replies, 'Well the pub just called, you've left your wheelchair there again!'
Good morning everyboomie.
Moonshine Monday is a great title don't you think?
It fits my mood of "I'd rather just stay in bed all day", or drink enough liquer that I don't care what day it is, or where I am, and I'll take either of those senarios over getting up at 4:30 and going to work.
Of course since I'm a beer sipper, it would take me all day to consume enough beer to get that schnockered, and I'm pretty sure I'd be terminated long before that even happened, that I think I'd prefer the first method of avoiding Mondays, and just stay in bed all day.
Alas I don't see an all day solar eclipse coming in the foreseeable future, especially not today, so I presume my choices are get up and go to work, or resign.
I have no design to resign.
I will pick no wine before it's time also works in there.
You know for 7 years I've been taking off the top of my head nightly, and scooping out bits of wit.
I'm pretty much witless now.
Have a happy day everyone.