A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
A few more OXYMORONS for you to enjoy
**Synthetic natural gas
**Temporary tax increase
Some TOP OXYMORONS for you to reflect on. Take a pick of your favorite ones...
Rob and Bill both went to work for a lumber mill. They both worked on the band saw. One day while working and talking to Bill, Rob bent too close to saw and the blade sliced one of his ears off. Bill immediately picked up the sliced ear with intention of being helpful to Rob.
He said: “Rob, don’t panic. See I have your ear here. It may be possible for the doctor to sew it back on.”
Rob: “You fool, that’s not mine. My ear had a pencil behind it.”
A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate. "I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"
Wayne was returning home from a business trip... bags in hand ... and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage.
Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. “Get in,” the driver ordered. “I’ll take you to your car.”
Startled, Wayne took a step backward. “Ah ... no thanks,” he answered.“ I can get there myself.”
“No,” the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. “Get In !”
Wayne’s eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.
Just then, the driver’s face softened ..... “Please,” he said, “I’ve been driving up and down for two hours. I can’t find a space to park and I want yours.
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted to Oxford University, and was now living in his first year of residence there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit, with reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Oh, Mother," he replied, shaking his head sadly, "they're such terrible, noisy people: The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop; and the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night."
"But Donald! How do you manage with those dreadful noisy English neighbors?"
"Well, mother, I just ignore 'em. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
"Somebody else's pants."
Dean was once hiking in the mountain when he slipped on a loose rock and fell off a cliff. A few feet down, in desperation to save himself, he tried to grab whatever he could lay his hands on. At last he was able to get hold of a branch of a tree coming out of the side rock. He looked down the deep ravine and his head started to spin, his hand started to slip from the branch he was holding. He felt immense pain in his shoulder because of his own weight. Death seemed imminent. Looking up, he shouted: “Please help……. Is there anyone up there? Please help……. Someone…..”
A deep echoed voice was heard from the ravine: “Dear Dean, I am God down here to help you. Trust me………. Have faith in me……… let go of that branch……… I will catch you.”
Dean looked down, saw nothing, looked up and shouted: “Is there anyone else up there who can help me?”
Good morning all.
Quit snoring, get up, and we'll all have a ball.
As soon as I get home & water my lawn gnome.
(Boy that was bad)
Then take a nap. RAH RAH RAH!! HOORAY FOR NAPS
Oy! that cheer leading sure tires me out.
I think I need a nap right now.
It's time for bed.
Good night everybody.....I mean good morning. Have a happy day.