I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. "This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."
The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant." "I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."
Fred came rushing in to his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"
"That's what they say," said his Dad.
"Well, give me an apple quick ? I've just broken the doctor's window!"
Alonzo visits Doctor Pedro.
Alonzo: "Doctor, doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere."
Pedro: "Have you seen a psychologist yet?"
Alonzo: "No, just blue elephants."
A Spanish guy enters a hospital to have a minor operation.
A nurse begins to take down his information: name, insurance company, etc.
"In case of emergency, whom should we notify?"
"You mean if I become very sick?"
"Well . . . yes."
"If that happens, call a doctor!"
Nurse: How old are you?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?
Patient: Right. Well there you go. The chance of me telling you my age is zero.
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
During her annual checkup, the well constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly,
"I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness:
"Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."
Medical Breakthrough Medications
St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe thevictim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin - Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Men-Gay - A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.
Good morning everyboomie.
It's that time again.
Followed by that other time.
It seems my whole life is about time.
How I spent it, traveled through it, how I wasted it, tossed it away, how I loathed it, dreaded it, how I anticipated it, longed for it, how I loved it, never wanted it to end.
I'd like to go into more depth about it, but I don't have the time, sorry.
There was a time when I could sit here all night and talk about it, but those times are long gone now, with hardly the time to remember them.
Those times were so important in my life I can't tell you in so short a time.
There's just enough time to do some farming in Farmville before I turn to the dark side.
Not really. No time for that either.
No time left for you
On my way to better things
No time left for you
I found myself some wings
Rock & Roll.......
Have a happy day everyone.