You can observe a lot by just watching.
- Yogi Berra
Walter: I could get a real job.
Jeff Dunham: What would you do?
Walter: I want to be a greeter at Wal-mart.
Jeff Dunham: Wal-mart, huh? What would be your opening line?
Walter: 'Welcome to Wal-mart. Get your stuff and get out. Have a nice day'.
Walter: My wife and I couldn't find any place to park anywhere near this stinkin' joint. And some jerk pulled up in a brand new Mercedes and pulled right into the handicap spot. He got out of the car and there was nothin' wrong with him, don't you hate that? So I ran him over. I made an honest man out of him! And his mother got out of the other side and started swinging her crutches at me -- took her out with the door.
Jeff Dunham: Don't you feel kinda bad?
Walter: Ah heck, they can carpool.
Walter: I ain't afraid of the cops around Santa Ana. You seen some of these guys? What, cops on bicycles? How intimidating is this: 'Alright buddy, pull it over. Ching-ching-ching'? What do they do when they arrest somebody? 'Alright, get in the basket'.
Jeff Dunham: Sometimes [my wife] calls me the 'the Hurricane'.
Walter: The what??
Jeff Dunham: The Hurricane.
Walter: Oh yeah, I get it. Exciting at first, then it ends in disaster. You know, maybe she should call you FEMA. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.
Jeff Dunham: Well if reincarnation happens, who would you come back as and what would you do?
Walter: I'd come back as my wife and leave me the heck alone.
Jeff Dunham: Walter, your wife is a lovely woman.
Walter: She's getting old.
Jeff Dunham: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.
Walter: She's aging like milk.
Jeff Dunham: Did you get the tattoo?
Walter: Hell no.
Jeff Dunham: Well if you had, what would you have gotten?
Walter: I would have gotten a beautiful woman's face.
Jeff Dunham: Ah, and where would you have put it?
Walter: On my wife's face.
Walter: My wife and I heard that coffee is good for your sex life.
Jeff Dunham: Oh, and is it?
Walter: No. It kept me awake for the whole dang thing. I actually had to participate!
Walter: I married a petite, young beautiful thing. She was eventually eaten by the woman I live with now.
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5,
Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the
first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral
lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my
brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".
"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
"Yes Sir!" was the reply
"Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.
"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"
He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"
Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game.
His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!''
Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to get some rest.''
Good morning everyboomie.
I hope you're not too disappointed with me filling in for Ana today.
This is probably the only part of her routine that I could do sitting down.
Any other part of her routine would give me a heart attack.
She's a very active woman.
The only part of me that can keep up with an active woman is my eyes.
Heck, just thinking about that could actually give me a heart attack.........I think.
The good news is that living with my Mom and my sister "that" doesn't enter my head much at all.
The bad news is that I live with my Mom and my sister.
Have a happy day everyone.
Now I'm depressed.