I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."
A poker pro sees an old friend of his at the Rio during the World Series of Poker and pulls him aside.
"Look, man," he says, "I really hate to ask this but you've known me for years and you know I wouldn't ask unless I'm desperate. I've been running terrible, I can't feed my wife and kids right now, and we're about to get kicked out of our house. Can I borrow $1,000 just to keep our heads above water until I figure something out?"
"Of course," his friend says, "but with just one condition. You have to swear to me that you won't play poker with it, and that it'll go towards food for your family."
The poker pro breaks out into a huge grin. "I swear. I can even prove it to you, as here's my $10,000 entry to the Main Event that I just bought in for, so I'll definitely be too busy the next few days to even think about playing poker with the $1,000!"
Difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.
But there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are... COMPLETELY FINISHED.
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the manure of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.
At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"
The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with manure, but now you ask me to make decisions."
Joe's just gotten his morning coffee on the way to work when a booming voice tells him: "Take the freeway instead of your normal shortcut." He takes the freeway and when he
gets to the office everyone is talking about a huge accident that occurred on his normal route to work.
Three days later he's grilling burgers in his backyard and the voice tells him: "Go inside and watch television." He does and through the window outside he watches a huge
oak tree fall and crush the grill where he was just standing.
When the voice tells him to sell everything he owns and move to Vegas, he sells everything he owns and moves to Vegas. The voice tells him to pay $10,000 to enter the World
Series of Poker Main Event, which he does.
He's dealt two red aces and the voice tells him to go all-in. He shoves all-in and five different players call. The flop is Jack of clubs, 10 of clubs, 9 of clubs...
"Oh shoot!!..." the voice says.
Attending a union convention in Las Vegas a union lighting man decides to visit a bordello. He goes into the first place, the ladies are lovely, and he asks the Madam, "Is this a union establishment?"
"Why, no, it isn't," the Madam replies.
"Well," the Union Man asks, "what percentage of the take goes to the girl?"
"We split the money, 20 percent to the girl and 80 percent to the house."
Feeling that wasn't a fair split the man left and went to another establishment. Again he asked the same questions and received a similar response. Although not a union house the split rate at this one was 30 percent to the girl and 70 percent to the house.
He continued his trek for some time until, finally, he came upon a Union House. "That's wonderful," he says to the Madam, "and what's the split?"
"We give 80 percent to the girl and keep just 20 percent for the house."
The Man is overjoyed. "Fantastic," he says, finally satisfied. Immediately he spots an attractive young blonde and indicates her to the Madam. "I'd like to have her please," he declares.
"Oh, I'm sure you would," the Madam replies, but she instead redirects him to an aging, overweight woman in the corner, "But I'm afraid Ethel here has seniority."
Good morning everyboomie.
Woo Hoo! I can get up at 4:30 and go to work before the sun comes up...&....before the civilian folks even get out of bed.
Then get off and go home before the normal folks get off.
That'll just about make up for tomorrow, when I don't even go to work until the normal folk have been at work for over half a day.
That extra time before work gives me time to properly prepare for my day, like waxing the hair off my nose and outta my ears.......
and then getting the wax outta my ears. HUH?
I also need to tweeze my eyebrows.
That hot wax stuff is NOT pleasant you know?? OUCH!!!
I tried using it for the hair in my nose, but it was too hard to get up there.
I think it might be easier to give a cat an enema.
Have a happy day everyone.