Man is an animal which, alone among the animals, refuses to be satisfied by the fulfilment of animal desires.
Alexander Graham Bell (1847 - 1922)
Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.
First thing one Monday morning, a robber broke into the bank, and pointed his guns at the cashier said,
'Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!'
The cashier laughed and said, 'You mean to say 'HISTORY.'
The robber answered, 'Don't change the subject.'
What does FIAT stand for?
* Fix it again Tony
* Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
* Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
* Frenzied Italian At Traffic-lights
A lady is throwing a Birthday party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out.. a caterer, band, and a hired clown.
Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back.
Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time.
But the clown hadn't shown up.
After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself.
She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.
She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous.
I have never seen such a thing.
Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away." The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.
The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."
"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.
"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress."
"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it."
"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."
* Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
* Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
* Man with one chopstick go hungry.
* Man who scratches bum should not bite fingernails.
Good morning everyboomie.
I wonder how many mattresses full of money have been thrown away.
I read that someone trying to take care of their dear old mother, or aunt, bought her a new mattress, and had the old one hauled off to the dump, only to learn that the lady had sewn all her money, and a lot of it
, in the mattress.
I heard about an old guy, who recently died, had only about $80 in his bank account, but when they were going through his stuff, they found like a half million dollars in gold in his garage.
I always wondered what these people intended to do with the money.
Do you realize that when the Earth ends, and we all go to that great beyond, that all of the land that people fought wars over, beach front property, resort property, private islands, will be sitting unoccupied for the rest of eternity, except for the ghost of those who died fighting for it, who haunt it.
That all of the gold or money in the whole world, that people worked, slaved, sacrificed their lives away for, that people fought and killed for, will be sitting in vaults and cash registers waiting for the greedy to return, but they never will.
That factories, warehouses, and stores will be full of automobiles like Lamborghinis, that no one will ever drive, big screen HD televisions, and computers that will never be turned on, diamond rings, and ruby bracelets that will never be admired.
That someday our sun will expand so large that it will engulf this planet, and consume it by fire, and that all of those things, those man-made things, that were so important, will be gone forever as though none of them ever existed, and that every trace of man/woman kind will be gone, except for a few craft that we sent on voyages through the stars.
Someday there will be no trace left of our civilization, and all that was built or accomplished by humans, or what was deemed important by you, me or anyone who ever lived on Earth.
There probably have been other great civilizations that grew up, out of nothing, and then disappeared from the face of the universe when their star went super nova.
If contemplation of all of that, doesn't help you put things in perspective, and help you decide what is REALLY important in your life, nothing will.
Someone said it's not what you have, but who you have in your life that matters, and someone said it's not what you say, but what you do that matters.
I feel that when we get to the end of our road, the only thing that really mattered is how we treated those we came in contact with along the journey.
Too bad I haven't always felt that way.
With age comes realization, and hopefully before it's too late, that you haven't always made the wisest decisions.
I'm starting to realize that I should go ahead and renew my membership in the Procrastinators of the World club...
...AFTER I steal a gun,
rob a bank,
steal a Lamborghini,
and go kick some rich guy off of his estate.
He's not going to need it.
One other thing that's still very important to me, is that you all have a VERY happy day.