Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)
When Mr. Leno of the Tonight Show went J-walking and asked pedestrians some science questions, he discovered some amazing new facts about the universe:
Jay Leno: "Why does dew appear on plants in the morning when the Sun comes up?"
A waitress: "Is it because the Sun makes them perspire?"
Jay Leno: "Why does the Moon orbit the Earth?"
An auto mechanic: "To get to the other side?"
Jay Leno: What are magnets?"
A taxi driver: "Are they the things crawling over a week-old dead cat?"
Jay Leno: Which is more useful, the Sun or the Moon?"
A thirteen-year old: [Pause] "I think it's the Moon because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the Sun shines during the day when you don't need it."
Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"
The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"
Signs Your Girlfriend Is Going To Dump You...
-- Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.
-- She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't recall proposing to her.
-- She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.
-- She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer.
-- Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old friend of mine..."
-- She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.
-- Your other girlfriend told you so.
-- The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.
-- Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a clue, do you?"
[b]Insulting in an Appreciative Manner[/]
"You're so smart, for an American."
"You don't sweat that much for a fat guy!"
"I'm amazed by the level of success readers have after following your advice."
"Your plastic surgeon has such a delightful sense of humor!"
"Relax, sweetie... you were perfectly adequate."
"You're more of a "street smart" kind of guy."
"You're not the kind of girl guys date; you're the kind of girl they marry."
"You're so evolved…for a man."
A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep."
The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep... You wake him up."
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, & went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words having his way with her...
When he finished, the wife said: You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you? And then she switched on the light...
No madam, said the gardener…
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. 'I am so ashamed, Doctor, she said. I guess I let myself go.
The physician was checking her eyes and ears. Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad.
Do you really think so, Doctor? she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said,
Of course.... Now just open your mouth and say moo.
Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House
Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.
Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.
Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.
Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.
Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.
Pretend to eat your arm.
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
Good morning everyboomie.
Tomorrow is here, and it looks to be a pretty cool day here.
Yesterday, when tomorrow arrived it was looking like a hot time for all, but we are only going to be in the mid 50s today. Just what a penguin wants to hear.
It's kinda like a Friday for me, and I get off at 3:00. Yee Haa! Yaa Hoo! Yee Hoo! Yaa Haa!
OK, I've gotta get all of this body paint washed off before I leave for work.
They expect me to wear real clothes at Lowe's.
Have a happy day everyone.