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#842629 - 10/15/12 07:59 PM Tuesday's
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30118
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake. They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said, Martha, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home.
On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish are so next time I'll know? Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right down closest to the water. Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seed you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get the same boat the next time!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a program they had funded with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shoot!" Only the state of Wisconsin was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey, hold my beer and watch this!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said...FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labour.
The nurse tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!"

"Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!"

When the nurse tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

"Another coincidence! I work for Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.

"What's wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.
St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one really good deed--you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman.

Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning. Good morning. A new day is a forming.

Since it's so early in the morning... ...new thoughts are a forming in my head.

They're largely incoherent. That's nothing to do with how early it is though.

They're just largely incoherent.

Whenever I say something to someone, they usually ask me "What did you say?" or "What have you been drinking?"

That's if they're not running from me yelling "Get away from me you freak."

Some people are so touchy about strangers who start talking to them on the street.

All I said was "Hey do you know how to sell a watch to a deaf man?"

"No"

{{{{"DO YOU WANNA BUY A WATCH???"}}}}

Those nice men in the white coats a here with a new jacket for me. I think they're crazy. It's not even cold out.

Have a happy day everyone.

joe


Having internet problems. Please send help!! frown
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#842670 - 10/15/12 11:10 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65557
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Oh Joe, I can understand the internet woes. Comcast finally admits it's them and they discovered the problem for me. yay I hope your internet feels better tomorrow.

I'll talk to you...then you can stop chasing strangers. hearts

All is well in my corner of the world again. I danced away my troubles last night. grin

Have a great day everyone!
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#842694 - 10/16/12 02:53 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6078
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Ana waveAna glad your internet is solved! I'll put the coffee on enjoy the day everyone sherlock
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#842695 - 10/16/12 02:54 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8011
Loc: Greece
Good morning boomers,have all a nice day wave
_________________________
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#842703 - 10/16/12 06:05 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5635
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hello and goodbye. wave

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#842704 - 10/16/12 06:28 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14721
Loc: Massachusetts
Good morning. Thanks Joe for your openers. Sorry you're having puter problems. Morning Ana kissy, Sue, Haroula, venus, Gail when you come in,and everyone. Have to get ready for work. Have a great Tuesday. Exercise smile

Midgie hearts
_________________________
Just do it.

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#842711 - 10/16/12 08:17 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14714
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, wishing you a good day!

Ana, glad you danced away your troubles. Glad you finally got the internet straightened out.

Cailyn, need a super duper large cup of hot coffee this morning.

Haroula, good day!

Venus, hope your work is easy today.

Midge, have a great day.

I have a post-op Doc visit this morning. Be back later on. Wishing All a great day!
_________________________
Gail

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#842731 - 10/16/12 10:48 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42542
Loc: Alabama
Terrific Tuesday ya'll puppy

I'll be doing some book cooking and some laundry and some vacuuming some dog feeding and some goofing off. wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#842752 - 10/16/12 12:42 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65557
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning boomies! Is everyone taking the day off? Quiet here today.

I have a migraine today that just keeps getting progressively worse so I am going to walk the dogs by the river in hopes that fresh air will will make it go away.

Gail, hope it's all good news at the docs!
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#842753 - 10/16/12 12:51 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13760
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe thanks for the laughs!! Hope work flies so you can get started on a day off!

Ana great that they found the problem and now have it fixed!! happydance Glad you danced your troubles away!! Are you in the corner???

Cailyn that is just too early to be etting up when you don't have to. eek Hope you find time for a nap!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Venus......happy whooooooshing!!! lol

Midge have fun at work. Me and Sassy will be walking at least four times today, well if the rain goes away! Have a lovely day!

Gail prayers for the doc appointment!! May everything be healing well and the pain less! HUGS!

L4l sounds like you have a full day!! eek Have fun!

Daughter and SIL's anniversary today!! Going bed shopping!!

wave
Nan

Edit: Ana prayers that the fresh air and the river scene take the migraine away for ya. HUGS!!


Edited by auntiegram (10/16/12 12:52 PM)

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#842761 - 10/16/12 02:06 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42542
Loc: Alabama
It is such a gorgeous day out there that I just had to go walking. The doggies and I did a mile while enjoying the bright sun and mild temps. Dogs were just a little fractious at first but good behaviour was quickly restored and we had a great walk.

Ana, hugs! I hope the headache retreats soonest.

Nan, grats to daughter and Sil. You are a rock to get Sassy out so often for walks puppy
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#842762 - 10/16/12 02:07 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: auntiegram]
SharonB Offline
Settled Boomer

Registered: 01/23/09
Posts: 934
Loc: Delaware, USA
Good afternoon, Joe and all Gameboomers! wave

Joe -- I enjoy your jokes everyday and they start me out in a good mood. Some though just make me "laugh out loud.." -- "Meals on wheels.." rotfl That really tickles me.

Ana, hope you can get rid of the migraine soon.

Sue, Haroula, Venus, Midge -- A great day to you all.

Gail, Hope you are out of pain and the Dr appt goes really well.

Looney, I like the goofing off part. lol

Nan, Enjoy your shopping. Walking 4 times?? I count it as a great success if I get out for a walk once a day. Have to do better. Trying to achieve every day.

Have a happy, healthy, gaming day all Gameboomers! rah flowers burger

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#842764 - 10/16/12 02:21 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: SharonB]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9448
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! You make me chuckle... hearts Hopefully, your Tuesday is absolutely terrific!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

I'm home today. Nasty, nasty cold. Need to hunker down....

Off to see what's afoot!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#842768 - 10/16/12 02:56 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: Darlene]
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30118
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Hello everybody. wave

I have internet.......for the moment. Don't know if it will let me post this though. smirk

I just started a week off. penguin YAA HOO!!!

I'm on my way over to Mom's. BIL & sister are supposed to be back here today.

Still much work to do. yay

I'll be back here later "hopefully". yes

I hope you guys are all having a super day. broccoli

Sharon thanks! thumbsup

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#842773 - 10/16/12 03:07 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42542
Loc: Alabama
Sharon, yes indeed, you'll have to work up to it slowly so as not to injure yourself.

Darlene, drink drink drink and drink! I hope you are soon feeling wonderful.

Joe, so glad you have net. Do you know what the problem is?
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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