Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake. They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said, Martha, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home.
On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish are so next time I'll know? Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right down closest to the water. Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seed you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get the same boat the next time!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a program they had funded with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shoot!" Only the state of Wisconsin was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey, hold my beer and watch this!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Goodbye Prayers
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mommy. God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "1 don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labour.
The nurse tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!"
"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"
The nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!"
"Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!"
When the nurse tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence! I work for Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.
"What's wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.
St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one really good deed--you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman.
Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor's blunders On medical records
♦Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
♦On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
♦The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
♦The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
♦Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
♦Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
♦The patient refused autopsy.
♦The patient has no previous history of suicides.
♦Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
♦Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
♦Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
♦She is numb from her toes down.
♦While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
♦The skin was moist and dry.
♦Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
♦Patient was alert and unresponsive.
♦Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
♦She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
♦I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
♦Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
♦The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
♦Skin: somewhat pale but present.
♦Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
♦Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
♦Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning. Good morning. A new day is a forming.
Since it's so early in the morning... ...new thoughts are a forming in my head.
They're largely incoherent, but that's nothing to do with how early it is.
They're just largely incoherent.
Whenever I say something to someone, they usually ask me "What did you say?" or "What have you been drinking?"
That's if they're not running from me yelling "Get away from me you freak."
Some people are so touchy about strangers who start talking to them on the street.
All I said was "Hey do you know how to sell a watch to a deaf man?"
{{{{"DO YOU WANNA BUY A WATCH???"}}}}
Those nice men in the white coats a here with a new jacket for me. I think they're crazy. It's not even cold out.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe