"Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution." -- Robert Zend
Diary Of A Blonde Newlywed
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
Good night, Dear Diary.
This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.
This is a letter from an Oklahoma mother to her son.
I’m writing this slow, because I know you don’t read too fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved thirty miles away. I won’t be able to send you the address because that last family that lived here took the numbers with them so they would not have to change their address.
This new home has a washing machine. The first day I put four of your dad’s shirts in it and pulled the chain, and they started going around ok, but then they disappeared. I think I must find a new stopper for it. It only rained twice this week. The first time for four days, and the second time for three days.
The coat you wanted me to send you was too heavy, because of the heavy buttons on it, so I cut the buttons off and put them in the pocket.
We got a bill from funeral home. It said if we didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral, up she comes.
About your father, he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.
About your sister. She had a baby this morning. I’m not sure yet if she had a boy or a girl, so I’m not sure if you are a aunt or an uncle.
Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him. He burned for three days.
Also your aunt Vita May is sick and near death’s door. We’re all praying the Doctors can pull her through.
Four of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up. The driver got out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The passenger inside could not get his window down so he drowned, and the two in the back drowned when they could not get the tailgate to open.
They tried cremation on them, but could not get them to burn. The funeral was closed casket of course.
Not much more news at this time. Nothing much happening around here. Write more often.
P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.
Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine)
Grand Canyon National Park...
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
So where are the faces of the presidents?
Everglades National Park...
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
Denali National Park (Alaska)...
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Mesa Verde National Park...
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park...
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park...
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?
Yellowstone National Park...
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
Good morning everyboomie.
It’s good to see you all this morning.
Well it would be good to see you all if I weren’t working.
Did I say I loved my job.............ever?
I do like it though.
Yeah that’s a lie too.
I………..tolerate it………………….with wild enthusiasm.
No that’s a lie too.
I tolerate it with mild enthusiasm……………….honestly, that’s no lie.
Just talking about it makes me incredibly excited.
That’s a lie too, but it does give me happy thoughts.
Nope sorry that’s a lie too.
It makes me nauseous.
I’d better go throw up and get to bed. I have an early day.
Have a happy day everyone.
PS sorry about all the lies.