The future will be better tomorrow.
Dan Quayle (1947 - )
A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried, and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man leaned back on his golf bag and said, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall."
I was nervous the night my husband and I took our three young sons to a restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, at that moment, our six-year-old piped up, "Mum drinks a lot more than that."
Johnson, the Matchmaker, goes to meet Mr. Ford, who is a bachelor for many years.
Johnson says to Mr. Ford, "I suggest you do not delay it any further. I have someone in mind who is just perfect for you. You just have to say yes and I'll arrange for you to meet her. Before you know, you'll be married!"
"Please don't bother," replies Mr. Ford, "I have two sisters at home, who take care of all my needs."
Johnson says, "Well that's good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"
A new law was recently passed in West Virginia. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
Mike: “Mary has broken our engagement saying I am not rich enough.”
Harry: “But you should have told her about your maternal uncle. He is stinking rich and you are his only successor.”
Mike: “I did that. She just became engaged to my uncle."
A man was driving in front of a mental hospital when he had a flat tire. While changing the rear punctured wheel, he lost all six nut bolts in the nearby drain by accident. The man was now stuck and didn’t know what to do. Just then a guy came out of the mental hospital and asked if he could help. The car owner noticed an identity card of the hospital around his neck with patient number printed on it. He still asked the patient if there was any garage around.
The patient said: “No, it is at least five miles from here. But I suggest you take out one bolt each from the rest of the three wheels, fit them on your rear wheel and drive slowly and carefully to the garage. You will find all you need there.”
The car owner was dumb-struck. He himself should have thought of this simple solution. He thanked the man and asked politely if he was really mad.
The patient replied: “Yes, of course I am mad, but I am no fool.”
Mike bought a piano for Jane on her birthday. After a few days, Mike's friend inquired with him how Jane was doing with the piano.
"Well," said Mike, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."
"Why is that?" asked the friend.
Mike answered, "With a clarinet, she cannot sing."
Newly married Tina had committed a blunder in her husband’s absence. As soon as the man returned from work, she blurted; “Here I was ironing your finest suit and burnt this hole in the seat of your trousers.”
The husband, large hearted that he was, said; “I have another pair of trousers that matches that suit, so do not worry.”
Tina: ” Thank God for that, because I was able to patch up the hole using those trousers.”
There is a secret to a Happy Marriage. You need to follow the below checklist:
Firstly, you need to find a woman who cooks and cleans
Secondly, you need to find a woman who earns well
Thirdly, you need to find a woman who enjoys great s*x
Finally, it is important that these three women should never meet.
Good morning everyboomie.
Do you know how to get a one armed Okie out of a tree?
Wave at him.
Do you know how to catch a unique rabbit?"
Unique up on him.
Do you know how to catch a tame rabbit?
I'm off for two days and I'm so happy I feel like staying up all night.
If the feeling doesn't pass soon I'll take a whole bottle of sleeping pills.
I have about a hundred things I need to do on my day off.
Most importantly I need to go hunt arrowheads while I think about which one I need to do first.
Have a very happy day everyone.