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#857140 - 12/17/12 10:58 PM Two For Tuesday
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30152
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
"The pure impulse of dynamic creation is formless; and being formless, the creation it gives rise to can assume any and every form." --
Kabbalah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says:

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:

"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your porch swing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA


When devastating hurricanes struck the Gulf Coast, even houses of worship were not spared.

A local television station interviewed a New Orleans woman and asked how the loss of churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, I don’t know ‘bout all those other people, but we ain’t gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye’s.

The look on the interviewer’s face was priceless.

They live among us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?"

So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life."

The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life."

The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life."

And finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie.  welcome

Ham anyone?  grin12

I kill me!  rotfl12

Once more I'm at death's door.

That means in a few minutes I'll be in bed, and dead to the world.  sleep12

If I'm still like that in the morning just prop me up in the corner, put some cigars in one hand, and a cup in the other, and a smile on my face, and call me Kaw-Liga. 

Maybe I'll learn how to chip my own arrowheads. snicker

I didn't find a thing yesterday. I didn't have much time after a 2 hour meeting that took a big chunk out of the middle of my day.

Today I will probably do some serious digging. happydance12

If I have to dig half way to China just to find half a point, so be it. I plan on finding something one way or a nuther. wink12

Have a happy day everyone. 

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#857145 - 12/17/12 11:21 PM Re: Two For Tuesday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65776
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Joe, I am sending the arrowhead fairy your way and she will guide you. That's my story and I'm sticking with it. grin12

Not sure what the day will bring for me, but if I don't go back in the corner I will be hiking with the dogs and going to the club to work out.

Ana wave12
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#857148 - 12/17/12 11:29 PM Re: Two For Tuesday [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30152
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Thanks Ana. I'll accept any help I can get. kissy12

I wonder where I can get an itty bitty shovel for her. grinch

I need to train Baby to sniff out the arrowheads and point at them. puppy

I hope you have an awesome day, and get in some quality doggie time. wink12

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#857151 - 12/17/12 11:40 PM Re: Two For Tuesday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65776
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
I've done well in teaching my dogs to search for bones, maybe there is hope you can teach Baby to sniff out the heads. Stranger things have happened. lol12
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#857165 - 12/18/12 04:12 AM Re: Two For Tuesday [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5678
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hello and goodbye. wave12

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#857166 - 12/18/12 04:34 AM Re: Two For Tuesday [Re: venus]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6095
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning all santaStill rainy here with mild temps,so glad it's not snow happydance12Coffee is ready have a great day everyone winter
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#857167 - 12/18/12 05:11 AM Re: Two For Tuesday [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8102
Loc: Greece
Good morning all,no internet for 4 hours crazyand electricity too.
Back to normal and ready to make lunch santadance
Have all a nice day presents12
_________________________
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#857169 - 12/18/12 05:19 AM Re: Two For Tuesday [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17612
Loc: Marlborough USA
wave12 Good Morning Joe, Ana, venus and Cailyn. Good Luck hunting Joe. Ana hiking with the pups sounds like fun. Venus don't work to hard. Cailyn hope all is well with you. Happy day all! wave12

Glad things are back to normal for you Haroula. Enjoy lunch!


Edited by Kaki's Sister (12/18/12 05:21 AM)
_________________________
Gerry

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#857178 - 12/18/12 06:33 AM Re: Two For Tuesday [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8197
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. I'm going shopping and to lunch with best friend today. presents12 The 2 boys left for Penn. around midnight. They will not be back until after the New Year. We will have a second Christmas celebration when they get home. Christmas Eve. hubby's brother and wife will be here from Atlanta. We will have a small get together here. Christmas day we will have family and friends here for dinner. I love the Holidays. happydance12
_________________________
Connie

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#857179 - 12/18/12 06:39 AM Re: Two For Tuesday [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14783
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, good luck with the digging!

Ana, enjoy whatever plans come about.

Venus, have a good workday!

Cailyn, it's pouring out here also. Can you imagine if all this were snow?

Haroula, glad your piower is back on.

Gerry, have a great day!

Connie, traveling mercies wished for your boys.

To all who come in after me....Happy Day!


Edited by GBC (12/18/12 06:40 AM)
_________________________
Gail

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#857183 - 12/18/12 07:24 AM Re: Two For Tuesday [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14745
Loc: Massachusetts
Good morning. I have a very busy day today and I have to get going so I'll just say have a great day. Pay it forward for someone. Exercise please.

Midgie hearts
_________________________
Just do it.

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#857209 - 12/18/12 10:02 AM Re: Two For Tuesday [Re: Midge]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9479
Loc: Southern California
wave12 Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Have a great Tuesday and happy head hunting!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Rain, rain....more rain.

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#857217 - 12/18/12 10:27 AM Re: Two For Tuesday [Re: Darlene]
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30152
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Well it's one for the money, two for Tuesday, three to get ready, and HAVE A GREAT DAY! yay12

Good morning everybody. wave12

It's a beautiful morning here in the sunshine and heat and humidity state. grin12

Should be a great day for head hunting. penguin

I have to run to Walmart for supplies first. happydance12

I wish you all a perfect day. holidays

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#857222 - 12/18/12 10:54 AM Re: Two For Tuesday [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42636
Loc: Alabama
Terrific Tuesday ya'll puppy

It was just a bit cool when I let the dogs out this morning. I can't believe Christmas is almost here. Must think about presents for the boys. We are going very very small this year. Also must think of what to cook. Time to browse the cook books. puppy
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#857235 - 12/18/12 12:04 PM Re: Two For Tuesday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65776
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning boomies! I am off to run a few errands, my poor dogs are out of food and I have to get some before they notice. puppy

Then I will be heading out with the dogs. It was snowing huge flakes this morning but it stopped. I'm starting to wonder if this is Chicago! lol12

Catch you all in a bit!
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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