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#859329 - 12/29/12 10:31 PM Sunday Will Never Be the Same
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29912
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
Mae West
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and
began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "Do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "Do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "Do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. The wife says, "Do I look like Betty Crocker?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. "
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don"t be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn"t have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you"re driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?"
"Only when he"s been drinking, officer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


:rotfl: Oh yeah. Been there, done that.


:eek: Mine too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. wave12

It's good to see you all, and for a change I'm wide awake. happydance12

Not necessarily a good thing since I need to get to bed.......to sleep......asap. headscratch

I have another tool in my insomnia fighting tool belt though.

It's called a hammer. wink12

It worked great on my sister.

My dad had falling asleep down to an art form. He was a master at it.

His technique was to close his eyes. sleep12

Why didn't I think of that? cool

I don't think dad had a theater in his head.

When I turn out the light and close my eyes, this big projector comes on in my head and all of these characters and events start running through my head.

The good news is I get a senior discount on my ticket.

I hope you all have a happy day.

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#859337 - 12/29/12 11:19 PM Re: Sunday Will Never Be the Same [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64309
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Joe, thanks for the chuckles. I was singing with my headphones on earlier when I was alone in the house yesterday and didn't know company came in. lol12

I hope you all have a wonderful day. I'll be in the corner all day, but I did promise the dogs a hike in the woods. It will do us both good.

Ana wave12
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#859338 - 12/29/12 11:24 PM Re: Sunday Will Never Be the Same [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 14653
Loc: Unionville
Hi Joe, Ana and all boomers. Hope Sunday is good to you wave12
With any luck I won't have to shovel the driveway again like I have the last two days smile12
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#859340 - 12/30/12 12:09 AM Re: Sunday Will Never Be the Same [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64309
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Have a great day manxman! Did you get a lot of snow?

Ana wave12
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#859347 - 12/30/12 03:19 AM Re: Sunday Will Never Be the Same [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9274
Loc: Southern California
happydance12 Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope you had a great night's sleep and are ready for the new day!

Hey, Ana! Hope you find a little bit of time for yourself today!

Hi, manxman! Hope you have a shovel-less day today! smile12

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Very early Sunday morning for me...

Had a great Saturday of Hearts ! Wonderful time.

Today, the family is gathering at nephew's for barbecue! Lots of family out here for the holidays, so it will be a fantastic day!

So.

To all abed, sleep12 To all awake, woot

_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#859348 - 12/30/12 04:03 AM Re: Sunday Will Never Be the Same [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5329
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good morning, everyone. Sorry for the lack of posting yesterday. I was sick all day. frown12

Today I have to whoosh off to work, but will probably go back to bed as soon as I get home. sleep12

Hope everyone here has a terrific Sunday, and see you when I get back. wave12

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#859349 - 12/30/12 04:27 AM Re: Sunday Will Never Be the Same [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Online   happy
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 16776
Loc: Marlborough USA
winter Good Morning Joe, Ana, manxman, Darlene, venus and Cailyn. Well from the looks of our deck I think we got close to 2 feet of snow yesterday and last night. For a while we were getting 2 inches per hour! Cailyn coffee is ready. Hope you all have a great day! winter
_________________________
Gerry

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#859351 - 12/30/12 05:22 AM Re: Sunday Will Never Be the Same [Re: Kaki's Sister]
cailyn Online   sad
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 5994
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning everyone wave12 I overslept happydance12 Gerry thamks for the coffee we had rain last night,then it turned to snow about 5 in. Enjoy your day all winter
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#859354 - 12/30/12 06:06 AM Re: Sunday Will Never Be the Same [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14552
Loc: Massachusetts
Good morning. Hey Darlene, any chance of getting crepes this morning? It's been a long time. I also haven't had any BB pancakes in way too long. Thanks Joe for your openers.Good morning to Ana kissy12, manzman, Darlene, venus, Gerry, Sue, and all who come in the diner after me. Early work shift today. Then for 5:00 later on. I looked out the window, checking how much snow we got last night. Well, there's enough so I have to sweep the snow off the car. Not too much though. That's good. Ana how much snow did you get?

See you guys later. Be good. Pay it forward for someone, it'll make you feel good.

Midgie hearts
_________________________
Just do it.

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#859360 - 12/30/12 07:46 AM Re: Sunday Will Never Be the Same [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 7952
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Breakfast out and a Costco trip this morning. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Sunday. Danish and Blueberry Pancakes in the NC. winter
_________________________
Connie

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#859362 - 12/30/12 07:57 AM Re: Sunday Will Never Be the Same [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14157
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, have a great day!

Ana, wishing you an easy corner day!

Manxman, good morning.

Darlene, enjoy your family barbecue.

Venus, hope you'll be feeling better soon.

Gerry, lots of snow here too.

Cailyn, enjoy the snow. winter

Midgie, glad you didn't get hard hit with the storm.

Lots of shoveling is in the works this morning. Too much snow for me. Girls are happy. holidays
_________________________
Gail

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#859372 - 12/30/12 09:50 AM Re: Sunday Will Never Be the Same [Re: GBC]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9363
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Good morning everyone. it is cold here. shiver
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#859376 - 12/30/12 10:48 AM Re: Sunday Will Never Be the Same [Re: gymcandy1]
LeBelleRachael Offline
Settled Boomer

Registered: 04/22/12
Posts: 113
Loc: Barrackstadt, Arcadia
HAHA!!...Betty Crocker! Joe you are such a silly Goose!!! HAppy New YEAR!!! newyear
_________________________
"Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life."

GLaDOS


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#859390 - 12/30/12 12:02 PM Re: Sunday Will Never Be the Same [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7030
Loc: San Diego, CA
No snow here, well ya, up in the mountains about 1 hour's drive, 45 minutes on a good traffic day. If I need it, it's there for me. winter

Hey Joe, those 'earphones' are great. I have been known to sneak up behind someone on my walks and when I pass them, it scares them. Lots of funny jumps and movements. Not my fault, they are the ones listening to the 'beat of a different drummer' and very loudly I might add. I remember most the NEW transistor radios. Big deal way back when they first came out. Everyone was complaining about 'noise pollution' especially at the beach. I was lucky enough to win a 'jingle' contest for a local radio station and WON one of the first Emerson transistor radios ever made. It was so exciting. Wish I still had that one!

Off for a walk. It rained hard all night. Things are puddling. Gotta check my empty back lot for my 'private lake' which appears after a good rain. It's a depression where there used to be a shack long before I moved here and the cement slab makes a perfect bottom. Gets about 1 foot deep, geee maybe I could float a raft on it. On second thought. thumbsdown
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#859391 - 12/30/12 12:12 PM Re: Sunday Will Never Be the Same [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 41979
Loc: Alabama
Super Sunday ya'll puppy

It's a cold day out there, but at least we have beautiful blue skies. I'll be heading out to do errands later. Thank goodness for heated car seats. wave12
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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