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#860749 - 01/06/13 07:02 PM Sip, Surf, & Skip Work Monday
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 32193
Loc: Calera, Oklahoma
"The pure impulse of dynamic creation is formless; and being formless, the creation it gives rise to can assume any and every form." --

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says:

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:

"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your porch swing."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."

One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?"

So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life."

The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life."

The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life."

And finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."

Good morning everyboomie. happydance12

Ham anyone?  grin12

I kill me!  snicker

Once more I'm at death's door. tired

That means in a few minutes I'll be in bed, and dead to the world.  sleep12

I just keep thinking, this one, and one more, and I'll have two whole days off in a row. penguin

I have at least 4 days worth of "to do" list for those two days off, but there are two big over-riding, determining factors, that will affect what I do.

1 What is the weather going to do?
2 My mood

Those two things will determine exactly what I get done in those two days.....besides hunting arrowheads. grin12

Enjoy your day everyone. bravo12


Edited by gymcandy1 (01/06/13 07:04 PM)
There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats

#860754 - 01/06/13 07:31 PM Re: Sip, Surf, & Skip Work Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 75359
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
I know how you feel about those "days off". I had a half a free day yesterday and I had so many errands to do it's more stressful than working. lol12

I hope these work days go quickly for you and the days off go slow. grin12

Have a great day everyone! I will be cleaning house. running the dogs and going to dance at night. I may or may not be in the corner the rest of the time.

Ana wave12
Don't feed the Trolls

#860810 - 01/07/13 04:26 AM Re: Sip, Surf, & Skip Work Monday [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6145
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Ana and all who follow me in waveCoffee is a brewing I'll keep it hot and fresh!Gail hope your feeling better heartsHappy day all puppy
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.


#860811 - 01/07/13 05:04 AM Re: Sip, Surf, & Skip Work Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 22792
Loc: Marlborough USA
winter Good Morning Joe, Ana and Cailyn.Joe you're as sharpe as an arrowhead! Ana hope your day is stress free. Cailyn thanks for the coffee. Happy Day wished for all! winter

#860819 - 01/07/13 06:47 AM Re: Sip, Surf, & Skip Work Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Online   content
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 10256
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Gail, prayers you are feeling better. Sharon, prayers that you are recovering and doing well. Please keep my best friend Sandy in your prayers. She is in A Fib again and gotten a cold on top of that. She gets worn out just walking a few feet. They are going to Zap her pacemaker again when she gets over the cold. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Monday. Danish, Waffles, Pancakes, Bacon and Eggs, and Hot Chocolate in the NC. winter

#860836 - 01/07/13 09:18 AM Re: Sip, Surf, & Skip Work Monday [Re: connie]
SharonB Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 01/23/09
Posts: 1190
Loc: Delaware, USA
Thanks Connie and yes my prayers go out to your friend that she recover quickly.

You set a wonderful table and have made me very hungry.

Laundry today, then occupational therapist.

#860850 - 01/07/13 10:01 AM Re: Sip, Surf, & Skip Work Monday [Re: SharonB]
Darlene Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 10371
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope your sip, surf, & skip work Monday is mahvelous!

Gail, prayers that you are feeling better!

Connie, prayers going up for your friend, Sandy!

Sharon, glad to hear you are doing better!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
Woohoo and booyah! smile Have an easy peasy day!

#860859 - 01/07/13 11:01 AM Re: Sip, Surf, & Skip Work Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 14623
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe you can do it!!! Only one more after today!!! May the time fly! Thanks for the chuckles.

Cleaning, running, and dancing!!! Sounds like a fun day Ana!!! Enjoy the time you have away from the corner. That ought to refresh the brain cells!!! lol

Cailyn thanks for starting the coffee!! Good to the last drop!! Have a nice day!

Gerry have a nice day!

Gail thinking of you and praying that all is well and that you are feeling better. HUGS!!

Connie prayers headed up for your friend Sandy!! HUGS to you both!! Thanks for the danish!

Sharon hope all is going well with you and your recovery is moving right along!!

Darlene prayers that you day go smoothly!! I'm sure this time of the year is kind of hard for some. Have a lovely day!

No plans except to run to the post office then BINGO later this evening!!


Sure am glad the 12 is gone. lol

#860867 - 01/07/13 11:43 AM Re: Sip, Surf, & Skip Work Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 47571
Loc: Alabama
Magnificent Monday ya'll wave

So who here will be plonked in front of their tv at 1930 CST tonight to cheer on Al? We will be drawing straws tonight to see who we are cheering for so we have at least one person cheering for each team.

Safelight is on the way to replace the windshield in our van. It was a casualty of the road last month. Once they leave I think I'm going back to bed. I slept great while I slept, but woke up waaaaaaaaaay too early. I didn't get up but now I'm really tired.

Son and I are hoping to get the monkeys out for a walk and of course there is Mt. St. Laundry to climb and some books to bake, broil, or stew. Too cold out to grill.

Back later puppy
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

#860888 - 01/07/13 02:53 PM Re: Sip, Surf, & Skip Work Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 75359
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good afternoon boomies! I've been busy working, cooking. laundry, cleaning and arguing with a stubborn child. lol So far a full day and not much fun.

I have to finish all of these things so I shall return. Maybe if I get done at a reasonable hour, I can walk the dogs. It's not looking good.

Ana wave
Don't feed the Trolls

#860890 - 01/07/13 02:58 PM Re: Sip, Surf, & Skip Work Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
3dobermans Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 10/01/05
Posts: 13558
Loc: Palouse country
Good noon day wishes.
Woke to snow with about 3 inches then turned to rain and a lot of slush.
Must mean a gaming day.

Take care to all and may the day go smoothly.
Reading is to the mind, what exercise is to the body - Joseph Addison

#860898 - 01/07/13 03:47 PM Re: Sip, Surf, & Skip Work Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 15321
Loc: Upper Arlington, Ohio
Good afternoon Boomers. wave
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

#860899 - 01/07/13 03:55 PM Re: Sip, Surf, & Skip Work Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 14623
Loc: northern Wisconsin
L4l I'll peek in on the game when I get home from BINGO!! It is a lovely day here! We have made it to 40!!! Bit of a wind though. So me and Sassy took a nice long over a mile hike!!

Ana you have to be related to that "energizer bunny"! lol Hope you can get some fun time in!!

Trippy I hope it is all snowed and rained out before it gets here. lol Ours is melting today!! happydance

Space have a nice evening!!


#860906 - 01/07/13 04:56 PM Re: Sip, Surf, & Skip Work Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 75359
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
All I have left to do is vacuum and I did manage to get the dogs in for their hike as well. Peter came with which was a rare treat. I'm going to jump in the shower so that I don't get thrown out of dance class tonight. lol

I be back....
Don't feed the Trolls

#860913 - 01/07/13 05:38 PM Re: Sip, Surf, & Skip Work Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Lotus777 Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 03/12/06
Posts: 3281
Loc: Oregon
Hi Everyone!! Sure been missing it here but with good pc ill and hubby ill and..... I will get things sorted out soon, I hope! crazy Ana, do you ever stop for five minutes?? You are a paragon of work-ly virtue!! Where is Eveylene??? Still engrossed in her classes? Hi SharonB...need to read up on older posts but I am glad to see you back here again. A dark and rainy day here. Perhaps some time to continue my most enjoyable book, Culpa Innata.... yes! Happy Gaming!!! wave
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

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