"For the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain."
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.
The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "THIS TASTES LIKE PEE."
To which the old drunk replies, "That's right, now guess how old I am."
A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your chest is leaning against the ashtray."
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
The neighbour dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
"What's wrong Marge ?" she asked.
Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."
Surprised, the neighbour said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant!"
"I'm not." the harried young woman replied. "I'm just sick of mornings."
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
Good morning everyboomie.
I think I would have a picture of myself in my pocket, and when IT started to look good I'd know it's time to quit drinking.
There is a HUGE mass of wetness coming this way and I've already lost my internet once.
So if I don't get this posted in time you'll all know why.
Because I'm all wet.
Well I should be, I'm a penguin.
I am the egg man
They are the egg men
I am the penguin. Goo Goo G'Joob
Now I have to go listen to Beatles vids.
Have a happy day everyone.
Does anybody have some floaties I can borrow?