Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
A lady on the airplane strikes up a conversation with the fellow sitting in the next seat, "..and where are you going?"
"I'm going to San Francisco to a Unix convention," he replies.
"Eunuchs convention?" she questions. "I didn't know there were that many of you."
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine-"la mansion."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "...What gender is computer?..."
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.
The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib.
This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.
The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.
The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
The gigantic computer took up a whole wall, dwarfing the two mathematicians standing before it.
After much flashing and humming a sliver of paper emerged from the vitals of the machine.
One mathematician, after studying it gravely, turned to the other and said with awe, "Do you realise that it would take four hundred ordinary mathematicians a hundred years of calculations to make a mistake this big?"
Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows.
Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.
"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a 'General Protection Fault' or 'Illegal Operation' warning.
We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror.
He also mentioned that Microsoft is intended to add banner ads into its Blue Screen of Death in the near future.
The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.
Good morning everyboomie.
Ok then, I’ve got your quote, your jokes, & your coffee.
Now all you need is a few wise cracks from the head wise cracker, or is it wise quacker?
It could be quacker. It seems every time I tell a wise crack I have to "duck" from someone throwing rotten fruit at me.
I think I may be manic compulsive.....or something.
Most people, when they have an itch, will scratch it with their fingers by putting the fingers on the itch, and rapidly moving the fingers back and forth on the itch.
I, on the other hand, will put my fingers on the itchy part of my body, and then rapidly move that body part back and forth against my fingers.
That reminds me of the time that my oldest son, when he was very young, was riding his bicycle when his shoelace became wrapped around the foot pedal. Instead of taking his shoe off, and unwrapping the shoelace from the foot pedal, he sat down in the middle of the street, and proceeded to try and run the whole bicycle around his foot.
He got his intelligence from his Mother. Unfortunately he got his common sense from her too.
I can't think of any more wise cracks, or any dumb cracks, for that matter.
I guess I'll see you all at the crack of dawn.
Have a happy day.