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#862461 - 01/15/13 07:18 PM Humsy Daisy Diner
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29938
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.
Homer Simpson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

USA Senior Health Care Solution
So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes any more.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. They are practicing to be men.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A. It helps them remember which end to wipe...

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" To which she replied "Probably that I married you for your money."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE!' And they say blondes are dumb!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man, I'll tell ya, women are cold until the end!
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those witches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best
to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who
knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty..
You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of20an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped
us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who gave you the lousy hair-do?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. wave

We are half way through the week.

That's my kind of week. yes

Humpday, Thumpday, Friday, and I'm off again.

I don't think I could be happier. penguin

Yes I could. I could be happier if I was off Hump, Thump, & Friday too.

Can I get an "Amen"? woot Or a "WOOT"?

I could be even happier if I was rich and off Hump, Thump, & Friday.

I could be even more happier if I was that guy on the beach, with the beautiful woman in the Corona commercials, and rich, and off Hump, Thump, & Friday. yay

I'm pretty sure she's beautiful although you never actually see her face.

If I have enough of those Coronas I'm guessing it wouldn't much matter what she looks like. snicker

Anyway I happen to be off Sat (moving day), Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and next Humpday. Waa Hoo! broccoli

Today I'm on at 5:00, off at 2:00.

Have a happy day everyone. RAH RAH! rah

joe


Edited by gymcandy1 (01/15/13 07:27 PM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#862476 - 01/15/13 08:44 PM Re: Humsy Daisy Diner [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64429
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Counting down the days Joe? yay I have a few more to go to...these 14 hour days are killing me.

Have a happy day everyone!!

Ana wave
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#862502 - 01/16/13 02:42 AM Re: Humsy Daisy Diner [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7461
Loc: Greece
Good morning Joe,Ana and all who follow wave
Junior said that for his birthday a
pony wiil be the perfect present.
And when I ask him where the pony will sleep,
he said in my room of course woozyKids... pacify penguin
Have all a happy day.


Edited by Haroula (01/16/13 02:42 AM)
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#862508 - 01/16/13 03:45 AM Re: Humsy Daisy Diner [Re: Haroula]
Gimli Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 2314
Loc: Switzerland
Good morning Joe, Ana, Haroula and all Diner guest coming after me wave

Sorry I haven't been online much lately and thank you Ana dear kissy for being my "postillon d'amour".

As you have heard, my Dad is still (since Dec 23) in hospital and is at the moment floating between life and dead. In addition a very dear music friend of mine, the famous George Gruntz, Jazz pianist, died last week, and also a distant acquaintance, Claude Nobs, also famous for his Montreux Jazz Festivals had a skiing accident, had to have surgery and never woke again from a coma and died Jan. 10. So the year began very dark and sad for me. That's the reason I won't come online very much in the next few weeks. I don't want to everyday spoil your good mood with my sadness.

I hope your year began more pleasant and I wish all of you much love, dear friends and the knowledge how to enjoy the day!

Hugs and kisses!!

Evelyne
_________________________
"You ask me what life is. That's like asking me what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot is a carrot" (A. Chekhov)

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#862510 - 01/16/13 03:47 AM Re: Humsy Daisy Diner [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6003
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Ana,Haroula and all who come by later waveThere's plenty of hot coffee!It's raining here glad it's not snow winterGail are you getting snow where you are?Have a great day everyone shiver
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#862516 - 01/16/13 04:50 AM Re: Humsy Daisy Diner [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 16841
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Haroula, Gimli and Cailyn. Joe have a fun day off. wave Ana I hope things calm down for you. puppy Haroula of course the pony would stay in junior's room. grin Gimli so sorry to hear about your dad's illness and the passing of your friends. Keeping you and your dad in my thoughts and prayers. Take Care. flowers Cailyn it's snowing pretty hard here this morning. We've already got about an inch on the ground. winter Wishing everyone a peaceful day. cat
_________________________
Gerry

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#862533 - 01/16/13 06:58 AM Re: Humsy Daisy Diner [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 7973
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Evelyne, prayers and hugs are on the way. hearts Hubby has a routine Dr. visit today. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Hump day. Danish, Waffles, Eggs, Bacon, Hash Browns, and Hot Chocolate in the NC. penguin
_________________________
Connie

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#862549 - 01/16/13 09:30 AM Re: Humsy Daisy Diner [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5329
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Sending you thoughts that you could be that guy on the beach, Joe. lol Otherwise, I hope the next three days fly for you. grin

Ana, I imagine they are. yes Hope you get a break soon!

Haroula, well you can't blame him for trying. lol Hope you have a great Wednesday.

Sorry to hear all the sad news, Gimli. sad Best thoughts going out to your dad.

Have a great day, too, Cailyn.

Enjoy the snow, Gerry. winter I'm so jealous. The weather here still isn't quite sure it's winter all the time, and we haven't had any snow that stuck yet.

Hope hubby's doctor visit goes well, Connie. Thanks for the delicious food.

I'm off again today. This is the first "weekend" I've had in months. As much as I hate that they've cut my hours so much, I did need a breather, so this "weekend" is most welcome. grin

I think I will play some Tale of a Hero. I never did get a chance to finish that game, and what I did play was really good so far.

Hope everyone here has a terrific Wednesday. winter

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#862584 - 01/16/13 11:41 AM Re: Humsy Daisy Diner [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13510
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Evelyne, my heart is heavy for you! HUGS!! You are in my thoughts and prayers daily and may He carry you through this not so happy time in your life! Chin up! hearts

Joe maybe one day that wonderful wish will come true for you! duh In the mean time........work awaits but may the time fly! lol

Ana I hope there is maybe a glimmer of light shinning for you! I am sure that is hard for you to sit still for so long cause you seem to be one who has to be moving all the time. lol

Haroula lol Boys will be boys. When is his birthday?? Have a nice day!

Cailyn hope the rain doesn't turn to snow! have a nice day!

Gerry enjoy the new snow but be careful walking.

Connie good luck to hubby at the doc's! Have a lovely day and thanks for the treats!!

venus enjoy the day and happy gaming!!! grin

No plans till taxi time. We have a little snow off and on so far this morning. Just enough to make things white again.

wave
Nan

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#862599 - 01/16/13 02:28 PM Re: Humsy Daisy Diner [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Online   content
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42053
Loc: Alabama
Wonderful Wednesday ya'll puppy

Evelyne so sorry you've had so many sad events in your life lately. Hugs to you!

It's another rainy day, though not cold, but at least not 80.

I'm laundrying and book cooking and thinking about dinner.

Back later wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#862604 - 01/16/13 03:30 PM Re: Humsy Daisy Diner [Re: looney4labs]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9400
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Good afternoon everyone. wave

We are half way to the weekend. happydance
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#862611 - 01/16/13 04:29 PM Re: Humsy Daisy Diner [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Online   content
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42053
Loc: Alabama
Yes, we are...and my closet is 1/2 way cleaned out. I pulled everything out of it looking for something today. I didn't find what I was looking for, but did find lots of other long lost stuff. rotfl

Now I'm in the process of putting it all back in minus the stuff I'm tossing.

My back is now calling me several unpleasant names!
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#862619 - 01/16/13 05:17 PM Re: Humsy Daisy Diner [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13510
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Well the taxi isn't running till much later today but that is just fine with me cause I don't have to stay!! happydance

lol L4l! Sounds like a fun time.

Space yes we are!! happydance

wave
Nan

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#862629 - 01/16/13 07:13 PM Re: Humsy Daisy Diner [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64429
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Where is everyone? lol I know I am stuck in the corner and I miss you all.

Evelyne hearts

Hubby just came home and put my truck in the garage and said he is dropping my truck off tomorrow to get the body work done that it needs to get the windshield replaced. Such a sweetie. I'll be able to drive it on below freezing days again! yay Happy girl....

okay, back to the corner..two more days.
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#862639 - 01/16/13 07:33 PM Re: Humsy Daisy Diner [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29938
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Hey everybody. wave

When I got home I had to eat a bite, and then load up my truck to take more "stuff" over there. Moving always shines a bright light on everything that you have accumulated over the years. Moving twice in 6 months, well, you get to dwell on it twice as much. rolleyes

While I was here, I did not hang but one thing on the wall. A clock. duh

I'm tired of "setting up house", and most of that "stuff" means little to me now. razz

I'm just dragging it around. lol

Evie I am so sorry to hear about your loss of friends, and I pray that your father regains his health. hearts

Ana I hope you are caught up with your projects, and get a nice break soon. hearts

Tell your hubby my truck needs a little work too after yours is fixed. lol

I have another early early morning, the next too days, and I've gotta get myself to bed asap.

Have a good night everyone.

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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