You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Dave Barry (1947 - )
Top Ten Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's...
10. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
8. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the US, but haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO...
9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.
8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.
7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".
6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.
4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.
3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park".
Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your behind in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
10. No one steals your chair.
Top Ten Ways To Be An Annoying Usher...
10. Show up drunk. I mean REALLY drunk.
9. SQUEEZE as many people as you can in each row before opening up the next one. We're going for efficiency here.
8. Two words: "Bathroom Key"
7. Insist on frisking all female guests.
6. "March" down the aisle and speak with a German accent as you show people to their seats.
4. Pretend you are the Phantom of the Opera. Lurk in the shadows when time permits.
3. Offer your "services" to all guests.
2. Offer guests the opportunity to be included in your plans for world domination.
1. Insist on a pants-free environment.
Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents...
10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.
9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
4. Can you believe it! Those idiots at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Real Estate Agent When You Go To Settlement On Your New Home...
1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."
3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."
4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."
5. "Your neighbour has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."
6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."
7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."
8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessions right next door?"
9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."
10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm in a quandry this morning. To go back to work or cut my throat. Hmmmm, just not sure.
I would much rather be in a quandry of to go to work or slap my sister silly. THAT would be an easy one.
To go to work or to chase the cows through the pasture naked. THAT would be an easy one.
At least I'm already half way through my six day stretch. Only Thursday, Friday, and Saturday left.
I work 10 to 7 today though, so my whole day is shot. Not doing much before work, and not much after work.
Still better than closing.
Y'all have a super happy day, ya hear?