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#864827 - 01/28/13 07:45 PM Tuesday's
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29948
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake. They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said, Martha, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home.
On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish are so next time I'll know? Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right down closest to the water. Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seed you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get the same boat the next time!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a program they had funded with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shoot!" Only the state of Wisconsin was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey, hold my beer and watch this!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said...FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labour.
The nurse tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!"

"Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!"

When the nurse tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

"Another coincidence! I work for Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.

"What's wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.
St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one really good deed--you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman.

Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning. Good morning. A new day is a forming.

Since it's so early in the morning... ...new thoughts are a forming in my head.

They're largely incoherent. That's nothing to do with how early it is though.

They're just largely incoherent.

Whenever I say something to someone, they usually ask me "What did you say?" or "What have you been drinking?"

That's if they're not running from me yelling "Get away from me you freak."

Some people are so touchy about strangers who start talking to them on the street.

All I said was "Hey do you know how to sell a watch to a deaf man?"

"No"

{{{{"HEY MISTER, DO YOU WANNA BUY A WATCH???"}}}}

Those nice men in the white coats a here with a new jacket for me. I think they're crazy. It's not even cold out.

Have a happy day everyone.

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#864840 - 01/28/13 09:45 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64482
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
I hope your day is wonderful Joe!

We have temps in the 60's, fog and thunderstorms on tap for the day. Sounds like a good day to work.

Have a happy day everyone!
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#864866 - 01/29/13 03:55 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6011
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Ana waveWe got about 2 inches of snow last night,and we're headed for a warm up in the 50's crazy weather eekCoffee is on have a happy day all puppy
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#864869 - 01/29/13 04:45 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 16880
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good morning Joe, Ana and Cailyn. It certainly is crazy weather! We got a couple inches of snow yesterday too and it suppose to warm up to the 50s with fog today! Hope everyone enjoys the day! wave
_________________________
Gerry

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#864876 - 01/29/13 06:40 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 7984
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Yes, the weather is crazy here too. It's going to be in the mid 80's today and then drop into the 40's. A trip to the grocery store is in the cards for today. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Tuesday. Danish, Donuts, Muffins, and Hot Chocolate in the NC. Crunchy Donut Holes for L4L. winter
_________________________
Connie

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#864917 - 01/29/13 09:51 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5329
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
lol Have a great day, Joe.

Hope your project is going well, Ana.

Cailyn, that's pretty much what the weather's been like here, too. It can't seem to make up its mind. crazy Hope you're staying warm or cool, or whatever you need to be according to the weather's current whim. lol

Gerry, looks like you're experiencing the same thing. Hope you're staying comfortable as well. grin

Connie, now that's a really big difference. eek Hope you're keeping warm, and have fun at the grocery store.

Well, I'm off today - first day of my "weekend." Good day for gaming. grin

Jupiter is feeling better. Every day, he seems more lively, and his eyes are brighter. Unfortunately, his counts were high again, but I was afraid that might happen. He had the same result before when he had fleas because of his allergy, so I want to wait and get blood work done again when I'm sure the fleas are out of his system. (We had just given him flea medicine the day before we had to take him to the vet.) If his counts are still high, he may have to have a bone marrow biopsy, which is expensive. As it is, I'll have to talk to the vet myself because fiance is the one who spoke with him yesterday, when I was working.

Okay, off to see what else is happening for now. Have a great Tuesday, everyone. winter

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#864920 - 01/29/13 09:59 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: venus]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9303
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! And for the laughs! lol Have a wonderful Tuesday!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#864938 - 01/29/13 11:21 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42098
Loc: Alabama
Terrific Tuesday ya'll puppy

Boy did we have a fun night. Woke up at 4 to what I thought was hubby's alarm. Waited and waited and waited for him to turn it off, but no...didn't happen. Now, hubby is always good about that so I decided I must have bumped my alarm.

So flung my hand up to mine while keeping eyes firmly shut and pillow on head. Flipped every switch I could find, but no...not happening.

Then I decided "Sorry sweetie, but I have to turn a light on and get this thing shut off!" Turned on my light very dimly....couldn't see what I was doing so went for it. Pushed that light as bright as it would go. Well, my alarms were off but something was still beeping.

At that point the thought that perhaps it was some kind of house alarm worked it's way through my somnabulent brain. Stumbled out of bed, opened the bedroom door, and OH MY....smoke smoke and more smoke. Turned to go get hubby up and realized there was a partially dressed man in the hallway.

Oooops...not good! But, that turned out to be hubby!

Dashed back to the bedroom and shut the door to keep the smoke out while I could still breathe. Had only been in the smoke for a few seconds but that was long enough to affect my breathing and give me a very sore throat. Sweet hubby bopped through the house, shut the fireplace doors which was the source of the smoke. Son had put a big log on..He thought it didn't catch so went to bed without shutting the doors and it sat there and smoldered and smoked. I'm not sure why the smoke went into the house rather than up the chimney. God was watching us and besides a smoky smell and a sore throat, we are all fine.

Not sure what will be on the day's agenda, but something will. Back later wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#864940 - 01/29/13 11:36 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64482
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
L4L, that had to be scary! I'm surprised you could go back to sleep after that. eek Glad that it was in the fireplace where you could quickly take care of it.

Darlene, have a great day!

Venus, I am glad kitty is doing better. I hope the levels taper off to get good lab results.

Connie, enjoy your 80's! yay

Gerry and Sue, at least it'll melt quick so you don't have to shovel. lol

I am off to the park with the dogs before the rains start. It's coming in quickly!
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#864950 - 01/29/13 12:17 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7084
Loc: San Diego, CA
L4L, my throat is sore just reading your note! I am so happy you are OK. I know the smoke in the eyes and throat feeling. Was in a fire in my classroom (was subbing) and a kid lit a 'macrame hanging' on fire. Room filled with smoke in about 10 seconds. Thick black choking smoke. So thrilled you are OK. Wow! Good think that smoke alarm wouldn't quit until it woke you up. Whew!

Off to movies today to see the new action film with our former Governator, Arnie. Hope it's funny and has a load of gratuitous violence.

Still working with sister's brain to convince her NOT to deed the new house in the daughter's name after the mega mess she is in with her current one which is being short saled. She's all but closed on the new one and says she's deeding it over to the kiddies when all is settled. Not a good idea if the kiddies are foolish again and squander the mortgage money on gambling and shopping. I've advised her to do a 'rent to own' so she retains ownership and the kids can't take out 'equity loans' (which is why they are losing the current house). Hope sister listens! This is the same lovely sister who was seconds away from sending thousands to a romantic scammer on the internet when I intervened. Pray for ME. help
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#864957 - 01/29/13 12:48 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42098
Loc: Alabama
Awww Sorta, I hope sister listens to you. That deal does not sound like it will turn out well.

I've decided to pretend it's Monday...so off to stew some books. wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#864972 - 01/29/13 02:47 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: looney4labs]
luv2travel Online   content
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 01/30/02
Posts: 2088
Loc: Phoenix, AZ USA
Hi everyBoomie!
I'm still very sick. Everything hurts.
L4L, have you had your chimney swept or checked within the last year or so?
I ordered the cherry capsules, and will take them when they come. Really need some relief for my sciatica.
Have a safe day!
Andrea wave


Edited by luv2travel (01/29/13 02:48 PM)

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#864974 - 01/29/13 02:58 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Lotus777 Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 03/12/06
Posts: 3270
Loc: Oregon
Hi Boomers!! Still been kind of busy around here. I am happy to report that MIL is now at her daughter's and the improvement is now visible by the leaps and bounds. I think she just needed to be in a familiar and more normal environment. And now I confess that I have had some spare time and have been playing games! lol I see many here are busy and am so glad you are okay L4L!! That had to have been scary!
I'm also sorry to hear what you are dealing with Sorta. Sometimes no matter how hard we try to protect our loved ones..... I pray that you will get through to her. Hi Ana, any word from our Gimli? Venus, I am glad your dear kitty is feeling better and hope it is nothing more serious. And one more thing that is making me exceedingly happy...daffodils have sprung up on the lawn, no fleurs yet but soon!! I am feeling Spring rushing through my blood!!! Off I go to play!!! yes Happy Gaming everyone!!! wave

EDIT: Please get well soon Andrea, Spring is coming!! broccoli


Edited by Lotus777 (01/29/13 03:00 PM)
_________________________
Lotus
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

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#864980 - 01/29/13 03:21 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42098
Loc: Alabama
Andrea, I hope you feel better soon. I've missed you! I haven't had my chimney swept recently. I used to do it religiously every year but we haven't had fires for the last several years. I am going to schedule it though. I have to find someone to do it. Our guy retired.

Lotus, so glad Mil is improving and you are getting gaming time happydance
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#864986 - 01/29/13 04:09 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Yankee Clipper Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 08/27/04
Posts: 2030
Loc: Lexington, Texas
Hey Ana, check this.....This AM I made split pea soup and it boiled over only once!!!! However it Really boiled over but not burned so I had to take the stove top burner off and clean it. And while I was at that I did all of them -shineyshiney now.

Lovely day today but colder tonight and for 2 more days. My pets must know as they are spread out in the sun asleep. Gosh I'm going to miss the warm days and nights. But days are longer and the baby narcissus is blooming again and the lawn is kinda green andand.

Sorta, tell me to mmob but could your sister have a real estate lawyer write up all the legals with a claus stating if they mismanage the mortgage deal the house reverts to your sister. Sure would set your mind at ease.

Oh dear what I did yesterday.....I amazoned 3 games, 2 arial combat shooters and 1 sniper shooter. Busy busy summer. My g'children will be happy when they hear the news -more games for them.

Lovely, happy Tuesday all
_________________________
I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose

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