I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
August Strindberg (1849 - 1912), A Madman's Diary, 1895
How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see boyfriend/husband along the way, ignore juvenile "turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom.
3. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out stomach so as to complain about how fat you're getting.
4. Turn on hot water only.
5. Get in the shower -- once you've found it through all the steam.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
7. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Rinse hair.
9. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
10. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.
11. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java Cake body wash.
12. Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has once again been EATING your Ginger Nut and Java Cake body wash.
13. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that all the conditioner has come off).
14. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered.
15. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.
16. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
17. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again. (Still No.)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your groin and surrounding area.
11. Wash your behind.
12. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.
Have you ever asked what men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question...
"I'm going fishing."
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
Good morning everyboomie.
Today is the first day of the rest of my day off.
My flight for Jamaica leaves at 9:00.
I'll be coming back on the 5:00 flight.
I think maybe I'll have time for a 2 hour tour while there, give or take an hour for loading and unloading.
It stinks really though.
Gilligan, Ginger, and Mary Ann had a three hour tour.
Really, my friend Shane and I are headed to Soper at 8:00 to go head hunting.
I can hardly contain my excitement.
Then again, I think I'll be excited when I get up.
Have a happy day everyone.