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#867290 - 02/09/13 09:45 PM Sunday's Best
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29937
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.
Czech Proverb
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doctor Notes


These are actual notes from Doctors patient charts...

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging Humor


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For Fast Relief".

THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Expanded Vocabulary

To increase your vocabulary with phrases you've heard but aren't quite sure how to use, read on...



"Cold turkey"

Definition: Refers to the physical state addicts are in when withdrawing from drug
addition, especially heroin. Their blood is directed to the internal organs, leaving
their skin white and goose bumpy like a Thanksgiving bird ready to go in the oven.
Mmmmm, junkie turkey.

Origin: The first usage of this phrase is unknown, but it has as many applications as
there are things to be addicted to.

Use it in a sentence: After coming down with a strange illness that turned his
eye-whites blue, Ozzy had to go cold turkey from biting the heads off live bats or
any other animals.


"Going Dutch"

Definition: To evenly split the cost of a group expense, like a meal.

Origin: The origin of the phrase is unknown, but there is one explanation. In the
17th century, the Dutch were hated commercial rivals of the British, and have been a
verbal target for them since. Anyone who "went Dutch" may have been considered a
tightwad. Not surprisingly, the Dutch don't seem to love this phrase.

Use it in a sentence: The last girl I went out with called me a superior patriarchal
misogynist who didn't respect her independence just because I offered to pick up the
tab. So last night I decided I'd play it safe and suggested to my date that we go
Dutch. She called me a cheapskate!


"Put a sock in it"

Definition: A terse request to be quiet.

Origin: Since early gramophones had no volume control knobs, playing them at anything
less than 11 ("my amp goes up to 11") required putting a sock in the amplification
trumpet.

Use it in a sentence:
Girl: "Why are you hesitating? You don't like it, do you? You think it makes me look
fat, right? Oh, I knew this would happen. I should never have gotten an orange
leather..."
Guy: "Ah, put a sock in it."


"Son of a gun"


Definition:
a) As an interjection, it means "gee whiz" or "well I'll be damned."
b) As a name to call someone, it's a euphemism for a phrase that's already pretty
tame: son of a [blip].

Origin: According to the Phrase Finder (www.phrases.shu.ac.uk), the expression
originated on sailing ships, where some women would have sex with sailors between the
cannons. The male progeny of such a dangerous liaison would then be called a son of a
gun. Nice pedigree.

Use it in a sentence:
a) "Son of a gun, who stole my toupee?"
b) "Bob, you old son of a gun. How's the prostate?"


"For all intents and purposes"

Definition: First of all, it ain't "for all intensive purposes." Think about it for a
minute. What could that possibly mean? For all uses that are short but
really demanding? Like, oh, I don't know, midget arm-wrestling? No, "for all intents
and purposes" means "realistically speaking; practically; in almost every way."

Origin: Although its origin is unknown, the phrase used to be "to all intents and
purposes," which is still sometimes heard.

Use it in a sentence: Bob tried so hard to please Patty that he had long ago passed
the "whipped" phase and was now, for all intents and purposes, her love slave.


"Big cheese"

Definition: The most important person; the boss.

Origin: The Urdu word for thing is chiz. The British likened its sound to the word
"cheese" and, as cheese is so vital to the Brits that their pound currency was
actually pegged to the price of medium cheddar for almost two centuries, they
modified its meaning to "the main/best thing." The phrase crossed the Atlantic as
"the big cheese" in about 1890.

Use it in a sentence: The way he acted, you could tell Bob thought he was the big
cheese of the joint. But really, with his faux chains, hedge-like chest hair and
shiny zebra-striped shirt, he was just cheesy.


"Peeping Tom"

Definition: A peeping Tom is a voyeur.

Origin: It stems from an 11th century English legend in which Tom the tailor
unlawfully peeps at Lady Godiva as she rides on horseback naked through Coventry. As
a result, he was struck blind. Doh!

Use it in a sentence: To mess with the minds of any would-be peeping Toms in the high
rise across the street, every night Bob undressed in front of his window with all the
lights on, then looked out into the night and gave a big wave before retiring.


"Beat around the bush"

Definition: This old phrase means, well, you know, sort of to, like, stall and stuff,
or lie even, instead of, um -- hey look, that dog has a poofy tail! Sorry, it means
not to get to the point or the truth.

Origin: It comes from hunting, where hunters would carefully beat around bushes
hoping to drive out their prey instead of just going in after it.

Use it in a sentence:
Man #1: "Stop beating around the bush and ask the question already!"
Man #2: "Okay, fine. Can I borrow your girlfriend for, like, an hour?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. wave

{{{HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!}}} rah

Admit it. You thought about it for a second didn't you? snicker

For just a second you thought, "What did he put in his eggnog?" rotfl

Then you remembered it's February something, and you thought "What a goof." crazy



lol




lol




grin Smile, and have a happy day.

joe







Edited by gymcandy1 (02/09/13 09:47 PM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#867296 - 02/09/13 10:40 PM Re: Sunday's Best [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64422
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Joe, I hope you have a happy day too! I hope everyone is digging out and doing fine!

Ana wave
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#867307 - 02/10/13 01:33 AM Re: Sunday's Best [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7457
Loc: Greece
Good morning boomers,have all a nice Sunday wave
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#867311 - 02/10/13 04:11 AM Re: Sunday's Best [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 16841
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Haroula and all on the way to the diner. Cailyn hope you are okay.We are still digging out Ana. It got down to the single digits last night and the wind chill made it feel like 20 below zero! Spent almost 3 hours yesterday getting the driveway cleared. Our deck has about 4 feet of snow on it! We won't be clearing that any time soon. There is a lot of snow on the roof that may pose a problem too. I'm just thankful we haven't lost power. Hope everyone enjoys their day!
_________________________
Gerry

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#867316 - 02/10/13 05:28 AM Re: Sunday's Best [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5329
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hello and goodbye. wave

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#867322 - 02/10/13 06:51 AM Re: Sunday's Best [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14208
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, thanks for the laughs this morning.

Ana, wishing you a great day whatever you have planned.

Haroula, good day to you.

Gerry, hope you get completely cleared out. Worried about our roof also and we're do for lots of rain tomorrow and tuesday which is going to cause a lot of flooding.

Venus, good morning!

Nan, birthday

Midge, are you all shoveled out?

Cailyn, most of the Cape is still out of power. Hope you're okay.

Too much snow to shovel. Had to get plowed out yesterday afternoon. All's well today. Car can now get out of the garage. All doors are open. Dogs can use a small area outside. Life is good! penguin
_________________________
Gail

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#867326 - 02/10/13 07:48 AM Re: Sunday's Best [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 7973
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. birthday Nan. Cailyn, prayers you are OK. Breakfast out this morning after our walk. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Sunday. Bacon, Eggs, Hash Browns, English Muffins, Danish, and Hot Chocolate in the NC. Birthday Cupcakes for Nan and the Diner gang in the NC. penguin
_________________________
Connie

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#867336 - 02/10/13 09:15 AM Re: Sunday's Best [Re: connie]
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29937
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Good morning everybody. wave

I am reluctantly out of bed. tired

I have to be at work at 12:00 today. razz

Until then........

I hope you all have a great day. rah

Happy Birthday again Nan. birthday

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#867338 - 02/10/13 09:31 AM Re: Sunday's Best [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9398
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Loved the aging humor Joe. lol
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#867355 - 02/10/13 10:34 AM Re: Sunday's Best [Re: gymcandy1]
flutist Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/17/01
Posts: 11361
Loc: Kirkwood, MO USA
Good morning y'all.

I made waffles with Cory under my feet and in my way. He does not like thunder. Rainy day but is supposed to quit by 2. Hope so. We are going over to friends for dinner tonight.

Keep warm all of you. 4 feet of snow, yuck.

Nan, are you in for it?

Gonna go play something so everyone have a nice day.

Bets
_________________________
Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.

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#867364 - 02/10/13 10:46 AM Re: Sunday's Best [Re: gymcandy1]
SharonB Offline
Settled Boomer

Registered: 01/23/09
Posts: 934
Loc: Delaware, USA
Joe - lol rotfl

All the jokes were really funny but the medical humor really cracked me up! rotfl

Hello Gameboomers! wave

Had a nice day yesterday - shopped and my great niece and her boyfriend spent time with me and fixed a big lunch for us all. Really good day.

My great great niece, Brielle, is looking fabulous of course. Learning to roll all the way over now.

luck to all those affected by the snow. Counting my blessings that we in Delaware avoided that storm -- except for cold rain thumbsdown

Have a great Sunday! catrub

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#867383 - 02/10/13 11:40 AM Re: Sunday's Best [Re: gymcandy1]
thracia Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 10/01/05
Posts: 1044
Loc: Central Islip NY
I work in a hospital, loved the Dr.'s notes. Some I have heard myself from patients: My goldbladder is bad, I had squeamish cell cancer on my nose, I have fireballs in my uterus.lol

thracia
_________________________
~Didi~
There will come a point in your life, when you realize what really matters, what never did, and what always will.
Unknown

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#867385 - 02/10/13 11:43 AM Re: Sunday's Best [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7063
Loc: San Diego, CA
Cold today. Low 40's but it's going to warm up as usual. Hate cold. Finally heard from my Aunt in Conn. She's fine. Snowed in since Thursday, but warm and dry and no power outages. Her neighbor plowed off her sidewalk (took him 2 hours with a snowblower). She said they got 2 1/2 feet of snow! I'm glad I live in Calif.

Today is the big Prime Rib for 7 bucks dinner at the anniversary celebration of one of San Diego's oldest restaurants. Gonna be a madhouse. I was going to go when the opened, but the friend who is going with us wants to go at 3 pm. Okie dokie. We will have to stand in line for a looooong time. I called yesterday and they were not taking reservations. The exact comment from the guy on the phone was, "It's a madhouse here, and we can't take anymore reservations". I'll bet. He sounded like he was about to run for cover. It's a ONE day only deal, and today is the day.

In any case, I'm prepared for no parking and a long wait for a 7 buck full prime rib dinner. It's their specialty and oh so awesome.

Off for a morning walk. Hope it's warming up a bit, if not my toes will be cold. STILL wearing sandals. I don't even know if 'real' shoes will go on my feet anymore. rotfl
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#867388 - 02/10/13 11:46 AM Re: Sunday's Best [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Online   content
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42049
Loc: Alabama
Super Sunday ya'll puppy

I got up and as I came down the stairs, a happy little voice chirped "Good morning!" Little Cully was up but didn't come down til he heard us. Per joined him a bit later and son is still sleeping....the kids must have kept him up all night.

Boys are supposed to go back to mom today but heard son last night telling the boys they could sleep with him tonight, so that means Monday return perhaps. <shrug>

My Keoki woke us both up last night shaking his head insanely, so will take him to the vet tomorrow. I don't see anything in there, but this is extreme headshaking. I need to buy an earlight thingy.

So glad you all still have your power on. Stay safe and warm.

Ana, how is your toe?
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#867407 - 02/10/13 12:44 PM Re: Sunday's Best [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Online   content
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13509
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe I just thought you were celebrating with the Chinese. lol Hope work flies and goes well. Thanks for those great laughs. Think I heard one ot two of them when working.

Ana I see you are getting the wet end of it while here it shall be white and a whole lot of it too. lol Not sure just where we will put it all though. Are you free from the corner??

Cailyn prayers that all is well there.

Gerry that is one major problem about the snow.....all the weight on the roof. I use to go up there and shovel it off as soon as i could. Have a lovely day and glad the power is on!

Haroula have a lovely day!

venus happy working. How was Christmas dinner???

Gail glad you got plowed out. Too funny about the dogs. I use to snowblow a large area in the yard for my dogs otherwise they would get lost in the snow. lol Sassy loves the snow and looks funny plowing thru it.

Connie enjoy breakfast out and have a nice walk. Me and Sassy walked and then I went for breakfast and brought her back some bacon. lol Thanks for the birthday cupcakes!!! Yummmmy!

Space have a lovely day!! Did you get rain or snow from that last storm??? We had snow and now we are getting more. lol

Bets I hope they are right so you won't get wet going to your friends for dinner. Yup we will maybe get a foot.

Sharon sounds like you had a very lovely day yesterday!! happydance Have a lovely day today!!

Thracia have a lovely day!! Great laughs from what people say!! lol

Sorta that sounds like a great deal, I'll be right there. lol Was going to be taken out for steak and shrimp but that aint happening here today. Good thing for "snow checks".

L4l have the boys spent a night in their new beds yet??? Poor Keoki. Good luck at the Vet!!

No plans but to sip my coffee with some irish creme and game all day!!!

wave
Nan

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