Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The Warning Signs of Insanity...
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
You collect dead windowsill flies.
Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
You like cats. Especially with mayo.
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
Melba toast excites you.
When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."
You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
You keep thinking this is the year for the Red Sox.
You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.
You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.
The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.
You like reading lists like this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Medications
Advances in science have lead to new medicines that make the lives of women around the world a little better...
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to heck for up to 8 hours.
St. Mom's Wort
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-One-all
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging at him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant...
"I finished the Oreo's."
"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
"Get your *own* ice cream."
"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
"Got milk ?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
"Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."
"Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your behind!"
"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."
Good morning all you Boomers.
I have 2 days off and 13 1/2 things to do.
Today is supposed to be 62 degrees and partly sunny. Tomorrow is going to be 47 and rainy.
I have a whole bunch yard work I need to do, which I won't be able to do if it's rainy. I have a trip to Texas to make for things such as new glasses, and the really important stuff such as underwear and socks, which I won't want to do if it's rainy. Then there's the overriding desire to hunt arrowheads for 2 days, which I won't be doing if it's rainy.
As for the OTHER 10 1/2 things......
..I'm not a procrastinating juggernaut for no reason.
The real question of the day is, which 2 of the BIG 3 won't get done?..........
hmmmm....That's a tough one.
I've put off getting new glasses for 2 years. What's a nuther 2 weeks.
Have a happy day everybody.