Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
Anthony Burgess (1917 - 1993)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Signs Of The Times
Apartment building sign:
"No baby carriages or foreign cars allowed in the lobby."
"Lunch now being poured."
Chinese Laundry sign:
"We don't tear your clothes with clumsy machinery - we do it carefully by hand."
"You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, you can ignore this notice."
Divorce Lawyer's door:
"Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back."
Miss Piggy's sign:
"Never eat more than you can lift."
"County officials talk rubbish."
"Do it yourself. Then call us before it's too late."
"A cure guaranteed or your mania back."
Restaurant Diner sign:
"Everything comes to him who orders hash."
"Our tongue sandwiches speak for themselves."
Scottish Golf Course sign:
"Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling."
"Only dead fish swim with the stream."
"Pass with care - I chew tobacco."
Orthopedic Surgeon sign:
"Never accept a drink from a urologist."
"If called by a panther, don't anther."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Actual Classified Ads
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale
3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Here are some humorous statements made by airline flight crews...
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
Pilot - "Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can't get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched asthey leave the aircraft.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"
Good morning everyboomie.
I got a raise at work yesterday.
I found a dollar on the floor.
I may take a friend to lunch today...
yeah...to The Dollar Store.
Hey that stuff rhymes!
Yep, I can do that any time.
That's all the dumb stuff I have for you now.
It's time for bed any how.
Have a happy day ever body.