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#868902 - 02/17/13 07:42 PM Monday
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30152
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
"The human brain is like a TV set. When it goes blank, it's time to turn off the sound."
Pat Elphinstone


I know that "going blank" feeling. 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IT MAY TAKE A MINUTE FOR THE LIGHT TO SHINE, BUT THESE ARE CLEVER!

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots

12. PARADOX: Two physicians!!

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV!!

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Shoplifter...

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.

"Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either.
What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend.
Can you show me something less expensive?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks -
"W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like it's full of onions!!!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man who isn't qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.

Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.

The owner replies, "Yah, I know. That's my way of getting rid of that pest!"

Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.
The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.

"Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit.
But tell me, what in the world happened to you?"

"Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it... said it fit him great.
As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie.  wave

My name is Joe and I sell jokes and coffee.  cool

Actually the jokes are free, cause I figure if people see you laughing while drinking my coffee, I'll sell more coffee.  razz

Actually the coffee is free too, so I'm really just here for your amusement.

I'm sure that before I get to my next day off I'll need someone to amuse me. razz

My thanks to Winfrey for the clever word daffynitions. thumbsup

Have a happy day everyone. rah

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#868925 - 02/17/13 10:45 PM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65781
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
I will have to come up with ways to amuse you later this week. We can't have you losing your sense of humor on us. hearts

Today is a blank slate and anything can happen. WE shall see what adventures come my way.

Have a happy day everyone!

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#868940 - 02/18/13 02:21 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8104
Loc: Greece
Good morning Joe,Ana and all wave
Hope you have a great day happydance
_________________________
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#868952 - 02/18/13 05:23 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17620
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, and Haroula. Ana I hope Sue gets her computer up and running again too. Coffee is ready! Wishing a great Monday for all! bravo
_________________________
Gerry

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#868960 - 02/18/13 06:12 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14745
Loc: Massachusetts
Good morning. Cold out there br-r-r-r. I have an early shift so I'd better get going. Thanks Joe for opening the diner. Morning Ana kissy, Haroula, Gerry, Gail when you come in and all who come in after me. Have a great Monday. Please don't forget to exercise some time today smile.

Midgie hearts
_________________________
Just do it.

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#868961 - 02/18/13 06:29 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5679
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hello and goodbye. wave

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#868972 - 02/18/13 07:47 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8199
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. My keyboard died yesterday. We put a new one on, but it locked on me once already this morning. At least the computer is booting up now. Very cold here. Maybe it doesn't like the cold. The hoses froze yesterday and this morning. winter Last week it was 89 for the high, broke a record. Strange weather everywhere. We will be doing grandson's other grandmother's taxes this afternoon. To all here and all who follow, have a Super Monday. Danish, Pancakes, Oatmeal, and Hot Chocolate in the NC. penguin
_________________________
Connie

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#868973 - 02/18/13 07:59 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14784
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, stay amused. You make us happy.

Ana, I'm sure it will end up being an interesting day for you. Especially when nothing is actually planned.

Haroula, happy day to you!

Gerry, thanks for the coffee.

Cailyn, hope your computer gets working soon.

Midge, have a great day. Stay warm.

Heool Venus!

Connie, weather is cold all the way down the Coast.

Two younger girls have a dentist appointment this morning. School vaction this week. It's freezing outside today. shiver
_________________________
Gail

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#868992 - 02/18/13 09:45 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 04/16/05
Posts: 21504
Loc: Usually up an Alabama Tree
Good morning everyone. Most excellent Joe, thanks again for brightening my day in the mornings. Looks like cold is in the forecast for many..looks like good winter weather (without blizzards). And the corner is just chock full of goodies thanks to Joe, Connie and Gerry. We have a blank slate too Ana .. hmmm, but I know it'll be full of gaming. I'll be off shortly to garden and hunker down with my whale music. Have a Merry Monday all and take care!

wave
_________________________
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games

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#868996 - 02/18/13 09:59 AM Re: Monday [Re: soot]
Darlene Online   content
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9480
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! You too, Winfrey! Hope your Monday is mahvelous!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#869014 - 02/18/13 10:43 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13806
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe may work fly and go well. Thanks for amusing us this morning!! You're the best!!

Ana I hate to think of all the things that will pop up for you today. lol Have fun and enjoy the freedom!!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Gerry have a nice walk and a lovely day!

Cailyn hoping the computer is fixed soonest!

venus Happy whooshing!! grin

Midge have a lovely day at work. I will cause me and Sassy already have over a mile walking. It's nice out today, a nice +27 with no wind so must take advantage while we can!

Soot enjoy the gardening and the music!!! Happy Gaming!!

Darlene may work go smoothly today! Have a lovely day!

Conie nice of you to do those taxes!!! Have a lovely day and thanks for the treats!

Gail good luck for the girls appointments. Have a lovely day and stay warm!

No plans yet!! Might do BINGO later, though!!!

wave
Nan

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#869023 - 02/18/13 12:10 PM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65781
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Haroula, have a great day!

Gerry, hope it's good walking weather for you.

Midgie, I stole the warmth. We are at 43 already! woot Since you are usually a few days behind us, maybe it's coming your way.

Venus, hope work goes well.

Connie, I hope your new keyboard behaves today. Have you tried a different USB port? How is hubby doing?

Gail, how are feeling with the last round? Enjoy your girl time.

soot, I just found the perfect VD gift for L4L. I am sure she won't mind if it's late: A Box of "Chocolates" .

Darlene, have a great day!

Nan, stay warm or come on over. We warmed up fast. Enjoy Bingo!
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#869039 - 02/18/13 03:04 PM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Online   content
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42641
Loc: Alabama
Yep Ana, that is perfect for me and I would be deliriously happy to have it! Piles of puppies puppy

We are having a wonderfully quiet day. Son went to visit a friend and hubby is off, so we are just hanging out! wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#869046 - 02/18/13 03:39 PM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Lotus777 Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 03/12/06
Posts: 3270
Loc: Oregon
Hallooo everyone. Such a quiet and grey day here and freezing this AM. Hubby's roofer friend is hard at it on the shop still and I have been delighting in the live coverage of the Scottsdale Arabian Horse show...all this week too!!! There are some beautiful horses there!!! Need to quit procrastinating and do my Mum's taxes....at 92!! She is considered self-employed as she still has a renter. Hope everyone has a nice day!! Happy Gaming! wave
_________________________
Lotus
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

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#869047 - 02/18/13 04:00 PM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9719
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Have a very good Monday everyone.
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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