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#869305 - 02/19/13 10:57 PM Hump Day
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 32193
Loc: Calera, Oklahoma
Imagination is more important than knowledge...
Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

Corporate Stupidity

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Dating My Daughter

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

So, I'll call out jovially. I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four - I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five - In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is early.

Rule Six - I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven - As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight - The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too-there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate-ink washes off-and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. Don't you remember being that age? she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

Good morning everyboomie.

Right now, as I speak, I'm only minutes away from my irregularly scheduled PMS on the insides of my eyelids. sleep

PMS is an old Navy term.

I don't mean Old Navy. shame I've never bought PMS at Old Navy. crazy

I don't think they carry it.

PMS is Planned Maintenance Schedule. cool

You knew that didn't you? yes

Smarty britches. razz

Moving on then.

Since you're so smart tell me what I'm gonna talk about next.

You can't.

Because I don't know what I was gonna talk about next.

Nothing I guess. duh

I was thinking about doing this thread that's all about nothing.

I think it might be very popular. cool

Have a happy day everyone.


Edited by gymcandy1 (02/19/13 11:02 PM)
There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats

#869309 - 02/19/13 11:22 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 75358
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Your threads are indeed popular Joe. There may not join in but everyday anywhere between 200-300+ different people read the thread. Your ramblings are famous. lol

Have a great day Joe!

I'll be going shopping with Sam in the morning, she said I'm the only one that will tell her the truth when she tries on clothes so I have to go with her. rotfl That's me...if you ask, I tell it like I see it.

I hope you all are ready to get over the hump.

Have a happy day everyone!

Ana wave
Don't feed the Trolls

#869314 - 02/19/13 11:41 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Darlene Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 10371
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! We all love your threads! kissy Happy Hump Day!

Hey, Ana! Sounds like you and Sam will have a great morning shopping! Enjoy!

Hey, Midgie! Yes, I'm an avid NCIS fan and watch it faithfully. I recorded tonight's episode, so I will watch it tomorrow! NCIS, woohoo!!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Still Tuesday evening for me...

Off to play a bit, then bedtime.


To all abed, sleep To all awake, woot
Woohoo and booyah! smile Have an easy peasy day!

#869330 - 02/20/13 02:28 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 10027
Loc: Greece
Good morning boomers check-up day
for me eek
Have all a happy day happydance wave

Edited by Haroula (02/20/13 02:29 AM)
I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

#869339 - 02/20/13 05:42 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 22789
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Daelene, and Haroula. We love you Joe! Ana have fun shopping. Darlene enjoy NCIS. Harpola good luck at the Doctor. Wishing all a nice day! wave

#869349 - 02/20/13 07:23 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 10255
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. I see a BJ's trip in the cards for today. To all here and all who follow, have a Super Hump Day. Danish, Waffles, French Toast, and Hot Chocolate in the NC. penguin

#869371 - 02/20/13 08:17 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 18262
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, I look forward to your post every morning.

Ana, enjoy shopping.

Darlene, have a great day!

Haroula, good luck with your check-up.

Gerry, a nice day wished for you also.

Cailyn, how's the computer search looking?

Connie, enjoy your trip to BJ's, be careful I went yesterday and spent way too much money. LOL!

Nina has a yearly Vet appointment this morning. Then a free day. Not sure what will come up.

#869373 - 02/20/13 08:27 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
Staff Reviewer
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 7732
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Joe, your threads are always entertaining. grin

Have fun shopping with Sam, Ana. thumbsup

Hope you enjoyed your game, Darlene. smile

Have a happy day as well, Haroula.

Have a great day, Gerry.

Have fun at BJ's, Connie.

Hope Nina's appointment goes well, Gail, and enjoy your free day.

Well, I'm off today. I have to sit out on the living room computer today, as I'm waiting for my monitor to arrive. My mom ordered me a new 23 inch monitor for the other computer as an early birthday present. thumbsup They actually made an attempt to deliver it yesterday, but I was working. So I'm sitting out here today so that I don't miss the knock. lol

Okay, off to find some breakfast and maybe play The Longest Journey. That Kickstarter made me want to replay TLJ as well as Dreamfall. grin

Have a terrific Wednesday, everyone. winter
Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?

#869388 - 02/20/13 09:49 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Yankee Clipper Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 08/27/04
Posts: 2402
Loc: Lexington, Texas
Wind gusts and hail today -horrors and it's been idyllic lately. So now I'll have to bring the tomatos inside this afternoon. They are getting blossoms and you nknow what that means -tomatos maybe.

After yesterday's broom wuppon, Schemer is a bit subdued and Commander is strutting around all huffypuffy. Cats are like kids and old people. We finish up the way we start and cats show us how.

Something funny. Those previous 2 sentences -I hit the "n" instead of the space bar -what a mess

Happy Wednesday all and do nice things fro your pets and your wildlife
I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose

#869414 - 02/20/13 10:45 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 75358
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
So late and I have to whoosh. My glasses broke after I got out of the shower this morning and I lost an hour looking for tiny screwdrivers. Daughter is already on her way to the mall so I have to run.

Have a happy day!
Don't feed the Trolls

#869420 - 02/20/13 12:13 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 14623
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe I love your laughs in the morning. Best way to start a new day! Thanks!!

Ana somebody must have used them and not put them back where they belonged. lol Glad you were able to find them and fix the glasses. Happy Shopping!!

Haroula best of luck with the check-up!!

Darlene may all go smoothly today!

venus that is a nice BD present!! Enjoy!! Glad you are off today to be there.

Gerry have a nice day!

Oh Connie Happy Shopping!! Thanks for the danish! Hope hubby is feeling better today! HUGS!

Gail best of luck to Nina at the Vet!!! Have a fun "free" day!!!

Yankee that is crazy about the weather. Do you supposwe that it affects the cridders?? Happy Gaming!!

Doing my sisters taxes and then nothing till taxi time!!


#869423 - 02/20/13 12:23 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 47570
Loc: Alabama
Have fun Ana wave

I slept and slept and slept then surfed Kickstarter for a bit while sipping. Fed the dogs once Skyman did his appointed bit...and now getting ready to cook the books. I hope I get them cooked quickly...will aim for broil instead of stew. It's sunny out and I'd like to get the monkeys out for a walk. wave
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

#869433 - 02/20/13 01:29 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: looney4labs]
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 32193
Loc: Calera, Oklahoma
wave Hey everybody.

I'm on my way out the door to work. razz

I get to close tonight, and hen be back at 5:00am. rolleyes

I hope you all have a super day. penguin

See ya later. urock

There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats

#869434 - 02/20/13 01:31 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 47570
Loc: Alabama
Joe, I will never understand Why folks schedule like that. confused

Knee deep in books puppy
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

#869435 - 02/20/13 01:36 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
flutist Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/17/01
Posts: 11505
Loc: Kirkwood, MO USA
Good morning afternoon y'all.

Looks like it is fixing to be a gloomy day and cold. Not looking forward to tomorrow's weather. Snow, sleet and freezing rain. Yuck. A good day to stay in and stay warm.

Well, I started this then got sidetracked and now it is afternoon. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for Susie as she got called back on her mammogram. She is going in at 2.

I am going to go play something so hope everyone has a great day.

Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.

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