Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
Jules de Gaultier
Not A Hallmark
These are greeting cards you'll most likely never see on a Hallmark...
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:...
What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!....
Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you....
have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love....
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life....
I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!....
I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,....
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married....
but not to you."
"You look great for your age....
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me....
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time....
What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you....
It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday....
So we're having you put to sleep."
"Your kisses are sweet, your hugs are passionate....
But compared to your sister, they're only second rate."
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his [blip] wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
Good morning everyboomie.
Ok just got home and showered and now, Now, NOW uhmmm....
I gotta get to beddie bye.
It'll be a 4:30 wake up call in the morning.
Really that's more like the middle of the night.
It's been ages since I've had this much fun getting up for work.
Some big cheese, (cheddar I think) is coming to our store in the morning to "walk" my department, to see how prepared we are for the mad Spring rush.
I already feel like I'm running around trying to herd chickens all day.
Don't know why they would run from me.
I think I'll tell this guy to grab a broom and make himself useful while he's "walking".
I'm outta here.
Have a happy day all.