You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910), A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Stuck On The Island
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place, " she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Rough Day Ahead
Signs you can tell it will be a rough day ahead...
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backward and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night, and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the interstate.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Your income tax check bounces.
You put both contacts lenses in the same eye.
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill," and your name is George.
You send this to all your lists and put the wrong disclaimers on it!
Cereal companies have been working hard to come up with new exciting breakfast cereals we can all shove down our pie holes in the morning, here are some of their less successful concepts that got rejected...
Toxic Waste Puffs
Kellogg's Ganja Puffs
Lucky Tabs O' Acid
Phil Graham Crackers
Fruit & Fabio
Look Again -- Them Ain't Raisins
Post-Modern Toasties and Rococo Puffs
Kellogg's "None of Your Dang Business"
Nut 'N' B--ch
Good morning everyboomie.
It's the one we've been waiting for.
Well when I say "we've" I don't mean we, as in "me too".
I'm not looking for Friday. I'm looking for Saturday.
Friday is in my way of getting to Saturday.
Actually Friday & Saturday are in my way of getting to Sunday.
I wish I knew how to get through them sooner, but I can tell you with certainty that sitting in your car and laying on the horn will NOT work. Don't even try.
When you're desperate you'll try just about anything.
It won't work though, and it annoys the heck out of other inhabitants of this dwelling.
You know, since I found out about that, I do it just for the fun of it now.
Have a happy day everybody.