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#870860 - 02/26/13 11:55 PM Wednesday Hump
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29783
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can you spot the ghost in this add?

If you can't see it with the link, copy and paste this in your search bar.

http://www.lotsofjokes.com/ghostly_car_ad-video-6.htm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Courtroom Dialogue


Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Lawyer: How old is your son? The one living with you.
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.

Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
Witness: We both do.
Lawyer: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Lawyer: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.

Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?

Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year.

Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: She said 'What disco am I at?'

Lawyer: Mr. Smith, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, Sir.
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?

Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?

Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget things.
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Riding A Dead Horse

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...


1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead".

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare the horse is now "better, faster and cheaper."

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Into The Future


Get a glimpse into life far into the future, in the year 2056...


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2058.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2057.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped!

Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. wave

It's Wednesday. MAIL DAY!!!!! penguin

If you're not sure what I'm referring to you need to reread the jokes. razz

Doesn't it seem strange that Wednesday falls on the same day every week? headscratch

I thought it rotated back by one day each week.

Did you know that if you were born on February 29th, then you don't really exist, and you don't have to pay income tax? thumbsup

The down side is you probably won't get many birthday gifts either.

I wasn't lucky enough to get out of paying income tax, but since I was born in December I only have to pay tax on my December earnings. bravo

I am SO happy I was not born in January. slapforehead

I hope you guys find something to smile about today. dance

joe


Edited by gymcandy1 (02/26/13 11:59 PM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#870866 - 02/27/13 02:16 AM Re: Wednesday Hump [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 6896
Loc: Greece
Good morning boomers,fantastic day smile
I wish you all a very happy day happydance wave
_________________________
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.





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#870872 - 02/27/13 03:25 AM Re: Wednesday Hump [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 5953
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Haroula, and all who who follow me in waveCoffee is ready enjoy the day all puppy
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#870875 - 02/27/13 05:23 AM Re: Wednesday Hump [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 16297
Loc: Marlborough USA
dance Good Morning Joe, Haroula and Cailyn. Joe keep up the good work! Haroula enjoy your sunshine. Cailyn nice to see you back. Coffee sounds good! Happy Day wished for all! dance
_________________________
Gerry

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#870885 - 02/27/13 05:59 AM Re: Wednesday Hump [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 13752
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, I already smiled at the ghost.

Cailyn, thanks for the coffe. Nice to see you. I was worried that maybe your new computer was giving you trouble.

Haroula, happy day to you also.

Gerry, have a wonderful day!

To all who enter....a good day is wished.
_________________________
Gail

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#870890 - 02/27/13 07:10 AM Re: Wednesday Hump [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 7807
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. It's bank and Sam's day. To all here and all who follow, have have a Great Hump Day. Danish, Apple Cinnamon Pancakes, Sausage Biscuits, and Hot Chcolate in the NC. Biscuit bottoms for L4L. penguin
_________________________
Connie

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#870913 - 02/27/13 09:55 AM Re: Wednesday Hump [Re: connie]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9145
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Have a wonderful Wednesday Hump Day!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#870914 - 02/27/13 09:55 AM Re: Wednesday Hump [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5226
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Have a great day Joe, Haroula, Cailyn, Gerry, Gail, Connie and all who come in after me. wave

I'm off today, but I'm leaving pretty soon to have lunch with my friend. thumbsup Afterward, fiance and I have an appointment to sign our lease, so we can stay here another year. That's a little less fun, as our rent is going up. lol

Okay, off to finish getting ready. Have a great Wednesday, everyone. winter

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#870921 - 02/27/13 10:25 AM Re: Wednesday Hump [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13272
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Just a quick stop to wish everybody a wonderfully lovely day!!!! I am off to take roomie to the hospital.

Ana hope there is a tiny bit of light in the corner!!!!!

Have a wonderful day all!!

wave
Nan

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#870934 - 02/27/13 11:14 AM Re: Wednesday Hump [Re: gymcandy1]
flutist Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/17/01
Posts: 11282
Loc: Kirkwood, MO USA
Good morning Boomies.

You make me smile Joe.

Talked to Susie last night. She got the final report and everything is okay. Boy, what a relief. She is feeling much better now. Will get together with them on Sunday.

Got my grocery shopping done. Done shot my wad. Not as much as Bill is going to shoot his on March 25. He is going in to get a couple teeth pulled and fitted with temporary teeth. Two months with them then a permanent bridge. Ouch and ouch. The first one for the pulling, the second for the cost. Oh well, can't take it with us. lol Easy come, easy go.

On that note, I think I will get some coffee and play something.

Have a great day everyone.

Bets
_________________________
Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.

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#870939 - 02/27/13 11:37 AM Re: Wednesday Hump [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 63347
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning boomies!

Bets, so glad Susie is okay!

Sue, did you see that Nan had trouble the other day playing BF games? She fixed it. Maybe she knows how to fix your troubles?

in the corner, but hope to get out and run the dogs in the snow. yay
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#870948 - 02/27/13 12:30 PM Re: Wednesday Hump [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 41474
Loc: Alabama
Wonderful Wednesday puppy

The rain has moved on and now they are talking snow flurries....boys are here for a week. Skymonkey cuddled with me all night so I slept well, but was on the edge. He has learned how to take up a lot of bed space. puppy

Today is book cooking day....too cold to be out. wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#870956 - 02/27/13 01:57 PM Re: Wednesday Hump [Re: looney4labs]
Gimli Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 2309
Loc: Switzerland
Good morning or afternoon or evening my dear friends. I miss you all muches kissy and wanted to say hello in person. Our dear Ana is my link to you and I thank you, Ana, from all of my heart!

Situation with Dad is still the same and he is still in the Hospice. I go there with my Mum almost every day because Mum isn't feeling very good herself and needs support.

Hubby and I went to Munich for a few days over the last weekend (Nan, thank you for the Band!!) to celebrate his 60th Birthday.

I'am so sorry I missed quite a few GB member Birthdays. Happy belated Birthday to all I missed wave

It's almost 8 p.m. here in Switzerland and this girl is tired. I try to come to the Diner more often now. I was under the weather a long time , but I guess I'am on the upward path now.

Love to all of you!

Evelyne
_________________________
"You ask me what life is. That's like asking me what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot is a carrot" (A. Chekhov)

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#870957 - 02/27/13 02:01 PM Re: Wednesday Hump [Re: gymcandy1]
Lotus777 Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 03/12/06
Posts: 3270
Loc: Oregon
Good Morning.
Joe, that ghost was pure evil genius. I wonder how many cardiac events it has caused??
Hi Haroula, I sure wish we had some of your warmth!
Hope you are having a nice day Sue, Gerry and Gail!
Thanks for the apple cinnamon pancakes, Connie...mmmmmm!
Have a good day Darlene.
Have fun at lunch with your buddy, venus.
Hi Nan! Hope all goes well at the hospital.
It's always something Bets. Hope it goes easily for him with minimal pain.
Hi Ana, "look out where the huskies go and don't you eat that yellow snow....".. I just couldn't resist that! Where is Miss Gimli?
Enjoy your day L4L and stay warm and snuggly with your pup-pups.
I might actually get to spend some of this day with hubby just relaxing!!!
Happy Gaming everyone!! wave
_________________________
Lotus
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

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#870958 - 02/27/13 02:02 PM Re: Wednesday Hump [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 41474
Loc: Alabama
Evelyne, hugs to you! We've missed you puppy

Hi ya Lotus wave


Edited by looney4labs (02/27/13 02:02 PM)
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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