My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~How's Your Job?
You could only find jokes more cheesy than these if you worked at a cheese factory...
Q. How's your job at the clock company?
A. Only time will tell.
Q. How's your job at the banana company?
A. I keep slipping up.
Q. How's your job on the new highway?
A. I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn.
Q. How's your job at the travel agency?
A. I'm going nowhere.
Q. How's your job at the swivel chair company?
A. It makes my head spin!
Q. How's your job at the lemon juice company?
A. I've had bitter jobs.
Q. How's your job at the pie company?
A. It didn't pan out.
Q. How's your job at the balloon factory?
A. We can't keep up with inflation.
Q. How's your job at the crystal ball company?
A. I'm making a fortune.
Q. How's your job at the history book company?
A. There's no future in it.
Q. How's your job at the clock company?
A. I'm having second thoughts about it.
Q. How's your job on the farm?
A. Problems keep cropping up.
Q. How's your job at the sewing shop?
A. Hanging on by a thread.
Q. How's your job at the eye glasses clinic?
A. I have clear job objectives.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`How Cold Is It?
Its amazing what effect temperature has on things...
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe).
50 Miami residents turn on the heat.
40 You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
35 Italian cars don't start.
32 Water freezes.
30 You plan your vacation to Australia. Minnesotans put on T-shirts. Politicians begin to worry about the homeless. British cars don't start.
25 Boston water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
20 You can hear your breath. Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation further south.
15 French cars don't start. You plan a vacation in Mexico. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 Too cold to ski. You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don't start.
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts. Too cold to skate.
-10 German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 You plan a two week hot bath. The Mighty Monongahela freezes. Swedish cars don't start.
-40 Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip south.
-50 Congressional hot air freeze Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 Hell freezes over Polar bears move south.
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers...
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs... Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Good morning everyboomie.
Time to get another work week rolling, and there is no better way to do that than with two days off.
I believe I'll recommend that every work week start this way.
They're always so eager to hear my recommendations.
I imagine they're holding their breath at this very moment.
Not a good thing at all when I'm off for two whole days.
We'll see who cheated and took a breath when I go back to work.
In the mean time, let the festivities begin.
Have a happy day everyone.