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#873122 - 03/11/13 04:55 AM Only a man would do this
Niki Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 10/30/11
Posts: 4624
Loc: UK
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the Tazer

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had wet my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
_________________________
What are we? Women - What do we want? We don't know - When do we want it? Now

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#873149 - 03/11/13 08:26 AM Re: Only a man would do this [Re: Niki]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7668
Loc: Greece
rotfl rotfl wave
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#873174 - 03/11/13 11:09 AM Re: Only a man would do this [Re: Haroula]
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30026
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
rotfl Hilarious. bravo
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#873206 - 03/11/13 04:07 PM Re: Only a man would do this [Re: Niki]
BobH Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 1700
Loc: 47.79N, 122.24W
I would never, ever do that.

Click to reveal..
At least not after reading what happened to him. smile
_________________________
Bob
I've learned that if you're too busy to help a friend, you're too busy.

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#873220 - 03/11/13 07:09 PM Re: Only a man would do this [Re: Niki]
LeBelleRachael Offline
Settled Boomer

Registered: 04/22/12
Posts: 124
Loc: Barrackstadt, Arcadia
He better recover the family jewels pretty quick or his wife wont be laughing anymore! Truly! sad
_________________________
"Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life."

GLaDOS


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#873264 - 03/12/13 12:53 AM Re: Only a man would do this [Re: LeBelleRachael]
Homer6 Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 04/18/02
Posts: 5511
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
rotfl rotfl rotfl I need a tissue to wipe away the tears. Hilarious.
_________________________
If something gets your goat, it just proves you have a goat to get.

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#873281 - 03/12/13 05:21 AM Re: Only a man would do this [Re: Niki]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17156
Loc: Marlborough USA
lol Not a smart man Niki! lol
_________________________
Gerry

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#873343 - 03/12/13 11:49 AM Re: Only a man would do this [Re: Niki]
Leeana Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 04/22/01
Posts: 4046
Loc: New York
smile nice got a kick out of all of the lololol
_________________________
'Worry looks around, sorry looks back, Faith looks up.'

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