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#873669 - 03/13/13 07:49 PM Re: Thursday's
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 32163
Loc: Calera, Oklahoma
Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.
Homer Simpson


USA Senior Health Care Solution

So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes any more.



Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, tooting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.


Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. They are practicing to be men.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A. It helps them remember which end to wipe...

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" To which she replied "Probably that I married you for your money."

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE!' And they say blondes are dumb!


Man, I'll tell ya, women are cold until the end!
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those witches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best
to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who
knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty..
You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of20an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped
us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who gave you the lousy hair-do?"

Good morning everyboomie. wave

We are half way through the week. yay

That's my kind of week.

Hump Day, Thump Day, & Friday, Then off again.

I don't think I could be happier. yay

Yes I could. I could be happier if I was off Hump Day, Thump Day, & Friday too. penguin

Can I get an "Amen"? rah

I could be even happier if I was rich and off Hump, Thump, & Friday. woot

I could be even more happier if I was that guy on the beach with the beautiful woman in the Corona commercials, and rich, and off Hump Day, Thump Day, & Friday. yay

I'm pretty sure she's beautiful although you never actually see her face.

If I have enough of those Coronas they’re drinking I'm guessing it wouldn't much matter what she looks like. crazy

Have a happy day everyone. RAH RAH!

There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats

#873678 - 03/13/13 08:44 PM Re: Thursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 75209
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Amen! grin

Joe, you can always come move next door to me. The house is still up for grabs cheap. Just think of the trouble we could get into. lol

Have a happy day everyone...I'll be in the corner all day but sometime Friday I will start my weekend. I have fun stuff planned!
Don't feed the Trolls

#873683 - 03/13/13 09:35 PM Re: Thursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 9543
Loc: San Diego, CA
Had a great day yesterday when my sister and niece came down to visit and we all went to lunch with her old work friends from the hospital. Lots of the nicest ladies you would ever wanna meet. All were at least 5 years past me but was fun to chat and laugh and get to know some of them at my end of the long table. There were 20 of us! They do this every other month and today's group was much bigger than usual. I got invited to join them on their next lunch. How nice.

Before the lunch my sister needed to buy a trash compactor, phoned a Sears Outlet store, found they had ONE in stock, no holds available. So we drove 10 miles, went in and there it was in perfect shape, just like mine, and on sale for 200 less than I paid 5 years ago. Neat deal. She bought it for the 'new' house she is 'loaning' to her daughter, and to which she will come to visit for about 4 months each year. Might work out well if the daughter pays the mortgage as agreed. Hope she does and no more funny money troubles. My fear is that the FIRST room in the new house they got totally set up is the POKER room! Yup, they are avid poker players and I can't help but wonder if that might have caused the foreclosure and bankrupcy??? I'm always skeptical when that house should have been paid off many times over by now and they were still paying MORE than the original mortgage. Borrowed against it a lot I think. Maybe she has matured and things will go better this time. Sister says she has no problem selling that house if daughter falls behind. She's not about to let HER credit go down the drain. Good for her.

Relented and bought a THIRD kitty tent for the Outdoorsies, since the feral mom and her daughter have taken to hogging both of the existing ones and poor Spot, the oldest lady out there is having to camp out under the table in a bed I put there when I figured out what was going on. Hope the third tent becomse popular with mom and daughter and Spot gets her choice of the 'old' tents. Always something with cats!
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

#873685 - 03/13/13 09:44 PM Re: Thursday's [Re: Sorta Blonde]
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 15321
Loc: Upper Arlington, Ohio
Have a great Thursday everyone. thumbsup
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

#873691 - 03/13/13 10:38 PM Re: Thursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 75209
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning SpaceQ, the weekend is creeping up! yay
Don't feed the Trolls

#873711 - 03/14/13 01:34 AM Re: Thursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
niteowl07 Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/06/05
Posts: 9029
Loc: the dusty desert
thanks for the jokes and coffee ,joe - hope your day goes well. guess i should have asked the senior center /hospital discharge dept. questions here instead of on hump day...

morning everyone !

hope everyone has the most wonderful day.

i'm hoping to get some more postcards finished ,and then start some round ones for a postcard challenge - these are a lot of fun ,and get the creative ideas flowing.

mom and i are going across the street for fish fry on friday ,if we can figure out what time they serve it :lol it should be interesting.

see you all later in the afternoon wave

#873717 - 03/14/13 03:35 AM Re: Thursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 10027
Loc: Greece
Good morning Joe,Ana,SpaceQ,niteowl and all who
come in later wave
Have all a nice day happydance
I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

#873726 - 03/14/13 05:45 AM Re: Thursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 22735
Loc: Marlborough USA
StPats Good morning Joe, Ana, Sorta, SpaceQ, niteowl , Haroula and of course Cailyn. I've put the coffee on and tea too! Happy Day to you All! StPats

#873735 - 03/14/13 06:16 AM Re: Thursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 7656
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good morning, everyone. wave Well, it looks as though I'm coming down with the cold I was trying to avoid. frown I suppose I'll just sleep when I come home from work. Since they're turning the electricity off this afternoon for maintenance reasons, there won't be much else to do anyway. woozy Okay, have to run.

Have a great Thursday, everyone. cat
Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?

#873738 - 03/14/13 06:31 AM Re: Thursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 18262
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

To all still asleep and all who are awake and ready for the day I'm wishing a good one.

Coffee sounds great!

#873743 - 03/14/13 07:36 AM Re: Thursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 15609
Loc: Massachusetts
Good morning. Well, I just lost my post so I'll just say have a great day today. See you later.

Midgie hearts
Just do it.

#873747 - 03/14/13 07:51 AM Re: Thursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 10217
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Joe, I'm glad your mom is home, but sorry about the other problem. I'm sending prayers that you can work out some kind of a solution that will work for all of you. Hugs are on the way too. hearts I'm going shopping with SIL today. Hubby will take money to our computer garu to buy parts to upgrade my computer. To all here and all who follow. have a Wondertful Thursday. Danish, Omelets, Home Fries, and English Muffins in the NC. spring

#873762 - 03/14/13 10:08 AM Re: Thursday's [Re: connie]
Darlene Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 10366
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope these next few work days go easy peasy for you!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
Woohoo and booyah! smile Have an easy peasy day!

#873769 - 03/14/13 11:00 AM Re: Thursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 14623
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe only one more after today then the weekend off!!! May today fly and go well. Thanks for the laughs.

Ana have a fun filled weekend!! Did ya finish last night??

Haroula, Sorta, Space, Gerry, Gail(HUGS), Connie, Midge, niteowl, Darlene have a wonderfully lovely day!!

venus prayers that you are feeling better soonest!! Rest is what you need so nice the power outage has the right timing. lol


#873770 - 03/14/13 11:18 AM Re: Thursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
flutist Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/17/01
Posts: 11505
Loc: Kirkwood, MO USA
Good morning everyone.

Well, the temp is going to have to get a move on if it is going to get up in the upper 50's today. It is 36 and cloudy.

Need to go to Walgreen's and get a refill on Cory's medication, but will do that tomorrow. I really need to find something constructive to do instead of sitting on my duff and goofing off. I am going to try a new meatloaf recipe. Just got my Food and Family magazine from Kraft. Bill grabbed it before I had a chance to look at it. He said this recipe sounded good. We shall see.

Have a good day everyone. wave

Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.

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