I am a man of fixed and unbending principles, the first of which is to flexible at all times.
Everett Mckinley Dirkson
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 74 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week," I told her.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
Here are some definitions of investment terms typically used...
STOCK - A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND - What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER - The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions who leaves you brok
er than before you went to him.
BEAR - What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL - What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN - Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION - A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Ha ha ha, well, I'm a little short this month.").
COMMISSION - The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
YAK - What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people, but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street.
3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker: the pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with an investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria - if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.
7. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds' I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.
The next time someone tells you that they want you to give 100% - do one better and give 103%! Here's how.....
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. Here's to achieving 103%. Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future!
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
B U L L S - - -
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
Good morning everyboomie.
I GET OFF AT 1:00!!
I HAVE TO GO TO BED BEFORE DARK!!!
If you can't go to sleep, I've found that beating your head against a brick wall really helps put me out, but the throbbing head keeps waking me back up. DON"T DO IT!!
I take a fist full of extra strength Nytol, with a few shots of tequila.
Works every time.
I always have to strap myself to the bed though, to keep from falling off.
Have a happy day everyone.