My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."
A man went to doctor, "Doctor every night in my dream I am playing soccer."
Doctor say, "Take these pills, they will help you sleep better."
The man, "I can't take them, tonight is the final game."
Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Generally, he was driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies:
"Forget it man, you don`t stand a snowball`s chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
Q. Why did the golfer wear tho pairs of pants?
A. In case he got a hole in one.
Just been to the gym and there's a new machine. Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. Its good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps' !
I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my playstation.
If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till I hit the ground?
- the rest of your life...
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA
When devastating hurricanes struck the Gulf Coast, even houses of worship were not spared.
A local television station interviewed a New Orleans woman and asked how the loss of churches in the area had affected their lives.
Without hesitation, the woman replied, I don’t know ‘bout all those other people, but we ain’t gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye’s.
The look on the interviewer’s face was priceless.
They live among us.
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
Well it's my weekend. My one day weekend.
That's the weakest end of all.
It's so weak I may not be able to get out of bed.
My covers are very heavy don'tcha know.
I came home from work tonight, and I had Pepper on my shoulder in the kitchen. I was making supper, and singing Little Red Riding Hood real loud, and getting Pepper to try and join in.
My sister came in and asked me if I had a couple of drinks before coming home.
Pepper started shaking her head at that.
I guess I'll go sleep of my stupor.
Have a happy day everyone.