"Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, 'I am not a crook.' Jimmy Carter says, 'I have lusted after women in my heart.' President Reagan says, 'I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.'" Art Buchwald
One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me drive for ones."
The driver thinks to him self, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope." So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you might get pulled over."
The Pope says, "ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope." So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute."
The Pope says, "sure"
The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, "guys I just pulled over some one really important."
They ask who, "The President?."
"No more important."
"The president of another country."
"No more important."
"No even more important."
"Well who is it."
"I don't know, but the Pope is their chauffeur."
A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant - especially in her language - was planning a week's vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "TOILET" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "BATHROOM COMMODE." But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. "Does the campground have it's own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him.
After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
"Dear Madam: Regret very much in the delay in answering you letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people atone time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late."
"The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C."
"I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather."
"If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks."
"Remember, this is a friendly community."
A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. "I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."
A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a hugh buck. "Where's Harry?", asked another hunter.
"He fainted a couple miles up the trail," Harry's partner answered. "You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"
"It was a tough decision," said the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Harry."
A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly,
he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding
a frying pan in hand.
Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy"
written on it?"
Man: "Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse
races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on."
The wife was satisfied, and appologized for bonking him.
Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he
is bonked on the head.
Man: "What's that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the week........beginning.
I hope you enjoy all of the jokes thoroughly.
I've tested them out personally while on tour doing my stand-up routine.
I'm currently back at home working on my sit-on-my-buns routine.
Soon, however, I'll be doing research on my "lay-down" routine.
I'll publish my research results as soon as I complete my study, on the theory that the more I sleep, the more I want to sleep.
Have a happy day.