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#877655 - 04/01/13 10:53 PM Tuesday's
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29786
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
"One life - a little gleam of Time between two Eternities."
Thomas Carlyle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.

I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as fish bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour urine out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Funny Conversations

BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I'm broke.

BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out
of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Jimmy : Mom, can I have two pieces of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.

Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.

Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oy, what I day!  shocked

I'm gonna go pass out pretty quick………… tired ...............if I haven't already. 

Did I mention what a day it was?

Ok I'm so into going to bed early tonight.

Not really that early. razz

Now I'm starting to get excited just thinking about going to bed.  chocobunny

The problem is, when I get excited, my heart rate increases, and when that happens......I feel more alert......and uh... awake.  happydance

Great!! Just what I need.  slapforehead

Have a happy day everyone.

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#877658 - 04/01/13 11:07 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 63372
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
No jumping on the bed Joe! lol One day closer to a couple days off. yay

Chiropractor at noon and hope to run the dogs in the afternoon. We shall see what else the day brings.

Have a happy day everyone!

Ana wave
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#877670 - 04/02/13 03:01 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 6908
Loc: Greece
Good morning Joe,Ana and all wave
I wish you a happy day happydance
_________________________
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.





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#877680 - 04/02/13 05:28 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 16314
Loc: Marlborough USA
wave cat Good morning Joe, Ana, Haroula and Cailyn. Coffee is ready. Wishing all a warm and fuzzy Day! cat wave
_________________________
Gerry

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#877688 - 04/02/13 06:19 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5226
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hello and goodbye once again. wave Have a great Tuesday, everyone. cat

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#877695 - 04/02/13 06:34 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 7810
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Midge, condolences and hugs are on the way. hearts May your BIL rest in peace. I'm not sure what is on the agenda for the day yet. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Tuesday. Danish, Muffins, and Omelets in the NC. spring
_________________________
Connie

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#877697 - 04/02/13 06:39 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 13758
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, have a great day when you arise.

Ana, good luck at the Chiro. Hope it turns out to be a fun day for you.

Haroula, happy day!

Gerry, good day to you!

Venus, hi and bye.

Connie, enjoy whatever you decide to do. thanks for the Danish.

Cailyn, did you sleep in? Is there any coffee?

Routine morning then dog walking and game playing.
_________________________
Gail

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#877698 - 04/02/13 06:42 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 16314
Loc: Marlborough USA
wave Good morning venus, Connie and GBC. Second pot of coffee is ready GBC. Venus and Connie happy day to you! wave
_________________________
Gerry

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#877700 - 04/02/13 06:54 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
ScarletDragon Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 05/24/06
Posts: 3072
Loc: Indiana
Howdy Ho Boomers. I posted some news under my birthday wishes thread today. Hop on over and check out what's new with the Scarlet Dragon!
_________________________
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons ...
for thou art crunchy and good with ketchup.

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#877738 - 04/02/13 09:23 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: ScarletDragon]
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29786
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Good morning everybody. wave

We have unbundant rainshine this morning. I hope it rains all day.

I work 10:00 to 6:00 today but it's Friday for me. chocobunny

My feet are throbbing already. shocked

I hope very one has a great day. thumbsup

Midge I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. Hugs and prayers for you.

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#877746 - 04/02/13 09:48 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
flutist Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/17/01
Posts: 11285
Loc: Kirkwood, MO USA
Good morning y'all.

Midgie, so very sorry to hear about your BIL. Thoughts and prayers going out to you and family. Hugs my friend.

Well the sun is shining and the temp is going up to 50 today and gradually getting warmer by the weekend. It was 28 when we got up this morning.

I don't have any plans for the day today so I will just let things come what may.

Have a great day everyone.

Bets
_________________________
Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.

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#877752 - 04/02/13 10:04 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: flutist]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9152
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Have a terrific Tuesday!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#877774 - 04/02/13 11:12 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 41481
Loc: Alabama
Terrific Tuesday ya'll puppy

Skywalker is determinedly reminding me that I haven't yet fed the dogs. I keep telling him he is one cup short....I'm only on my 2nd cup of coffee and I usually feed after 3. I must be drinking it slowly today.

Hubby picked up the last of the tax info yesterday so I'll be finishing up taxes today so we can them mailed in this week.

I also plan to get the monkeys and myself out for a walk and we have Bible Studay tonight. Not sure what else the day will bring, though I do know it will bring breakfast in a few minutes wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#877790 - 04/02/13 12:25 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 6908
Loc: Greece
Midgie my sincere condolences to you and your family hearts


Edited by Haroula (04/02/13 12:25 PM)
_________________________
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.





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#877794 - 04/02/13 12:41 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 6778
Loc: San Diego, CA
Condolences to you Midge and the family.

Dreary day here. Spitting rain but not enough to say it's raining.

No yard kid sightings. I'm on a campaign to pull those weeds growing in between stepping stones. Gonna hurt my self I think, but it has to be done. Ugh. Can't wait for the kid ever again.

Outdoorsies are freaky this morning. Dunno why but it's either the weather or a pending earthquake or maybe some raccoon nearby. They don't seem afraid, just in a run, jump, pounce mode all over and up and down things. Fun.
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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