There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950), "Man and Superman" (1903)
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Hospital Message
Answering machine at the Mental Hospital...
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline ...
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
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Proper Disk Care
Proper Diskette Care instruction guide...
Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes
before inserting them into the drive.
Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
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Work Laws
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a [blip] fool about it.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
The more [blip] you put up with, the more [blip] you are going to get.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would Wonder Woman handle this?"
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
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Good morning everyboomie.
If you're not a morning person never fear. You're just a few hours away from a good afternoon.
If you're not a day time person, you'll have to be a bit more patient.
Sitting in a dark room may help.
It usually helps me until my boss calls and tells me to "Get to work!!"
No really I love mornings.
I just don't like the getting up part.
Since I love mornings, I REALLY love the trip between bed time and morning to get there.
SO! In conclusion, I'd say give me night time and mornings and get rid of everything else.
Simple!
rah rah
Have a happy day everyone.
joe