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#880463 - 04/12/13 10:29 PM Saturdiner
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30159
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. “I can't do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”

“Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”

“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”

“Fine then, just walk this white line.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''

The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''

''What about the green one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''

''What about the red one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''

The man says, ''What does HE do?''

The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman pinscher.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.

They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.

Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."

But is was still not good! So they tried:

"Minds and Behinds"

"Analysis and Anal Cysts"

"Nuts and Butts"

"Freaks and Cheeks"

"Loons and Moons"

None worked.

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:

"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."

APPROVED!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.

He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?"

The guy on the street picks up an ear, "Is this it?"

"No," replies the construction worker, "mine had a pencil behind it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more lawyers than humans.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, "You've shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell."

"I don't know!" she flounders.

"Tell you what," St. Peter says, "You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity."

"Okay then," she says. "I'll start with heaven since I'm here already."

She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven.

The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her off to Satan.

Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine.

After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip.

After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people.

At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity.

The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Well, have you made your decision?" He asks.

"I've decided on hell," she announces.

"So be it." St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of hell.

Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade.

"What happened!?!" She exclaimed.

"Well," said her boss, "Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. wave

This is it! One more day and I'm a free man. penguin

I hope I can adjust to life on the outside. cool

I've been institutionalized for so long and I've seen many many people who got out, couldn't hack it, and came back in. shocked

I think most of those guys didn't want to give up their conjugal visits. snicker

Well that WON'T be a problem for me. shame

I don't even have a conjugal to visit. dance

I'm trying to convince my sister to take my place.

She's thinking about it.

I told her she'll get free dog biscuits every day. rotfl

OOPS!! Gotta go.

Have a happy day everyone.

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#880469 - 04/12/13 10:52 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65800
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Joe, your poor sister. lol I hope today goes by quickly and you can start your time off.

I'll be running the dogs early and then my neighbor is replacing my brakes and rotors. So nice to have a mechanic live across the street. yay

Have a happy day everyone!

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#880490 - 04/13/13 02:34 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8113
Loc: Greece
Good morning Joe,Ana and all wave
Have all a nice day spring
_________________________
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#880494 - 04/13/13 04:13 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6098
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Ana,Haroula wave Joe you are to funny grinBoy it's windy and cold here shivermixed with rain smirk Coffee is ready I put on an extra pot for Spring Break I know I'll need it this week! Enjoy the day everyone sherlock
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#880503 - 04/13/13 05:58 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17632
Loc: Marlborough USA
chocobunny Good Morning Joe, Ana, Haroula, and Cailyn. Joe wishing you happy hunting on your day off! Ana enjoy your puppy run. Cailyn hope the sun comes out for you. Happy Day wished for all! chocobunny
_________________________
Gerry

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#880514 - 04/13/13 07:33 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Online   content
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14789
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, thanks for the laughs.

Ana, enjoy your dog run.

Haroula, god morning.

Cailyn, I'll be needing lots of coffee this week also.

Gerry, have a good day.

Housecleaning this morning then out to lunch this afternoon with daughter.

Connie, have a great day when you come in. Save me a Danish.

Nan, has your weather gotten any better?

Wishing everyone a wonderful weekend! spring
_________________________
Gail

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#880518 - 04/13/13 07:59 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14746
Loc: Massachusetts
Good morning. I think I'd love some BB pancakes this morning. Anybody know if there are any? It's been way too long since I've enjoyed them. Mm-m-m-m. I think I can smell them.

Have a great Saturday everyone. I don't have to be at work until 5:00 this afternoon. Morning Joe, Ana, Haroula, Sue, Gerry, and all who come in after me.

Midgie hearts chocobunny
_________________________
Just do it.

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#880522 - 04/13/13 08:23 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8203
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Midge, prayers for your sis. Prayers also for Karen and her mom. Bets, prayers for Susie are on the way. Not sure what's on the agenda for today. Summer is here. It's in the upper 80's. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Saturday. Danish, Blueberry Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC. spring
_________________________
Connie

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#880553 - 04/13/13 10:58 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 15742
Loc: Unionville
Good morning. Thanks for the laughs Joe lol
Hope everyone has a great Saturday wave
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#880557 - 04/13/13 11:05 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13808
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe I hope work time flies and everything runs smoothly at the show! Thanks for the chuckles.

Ana have a nice run with the dogs. That is really a nice thing to have and that they are willing to do that for you!! If you had to take it in I'm sure it would be really exspensive. eek

Haroula have a lovely day!

Cailyn thanks for getting the coffee started. Have fun with granddaughter during break!!

Gerry have a nice walk and day!

Midge BB pancakes coming right up!! lol Enjoy! May work fly and be fun!

Gail we finally have a snow-break. lol But now they are talking about another 5-6 inches Sun-Mon. sad Just when we were starting to see the grass. We already got a foot of new stuff, so I say.....enough is enough!! Have a fun time out to lunch with daughter.

Connie have fun what ever you find to do today!! Thanks for the danish!

Going to a class today so I can carry!! lol Not that I will but it is nice to have and I know the instructor, chief of police.

wave
Nan

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#880563 - 04/13/13 11:11 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42647
Loc: Alabama
Super Saturday ya'll puppy

Hubby is at work. Boys are up playing Wii, son is sleeping. Once this cup of coffee is dry, I'm going to gear the dogs and go see if the park is busy. Dogs aren't allowed in if the park is being used for sporting events.

Once back, I'm going to spring clean our bedroom. I've been putting that off forever, and with hubby working today, it's a good time. I'll put on movies or DVR'd stuff and clean away.

Then, hopefully tonight son and hubby and I will play some Castle Panic, but that depend on many different factors. wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#880569 - 04/13/13 11:44 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65800
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
I woke to a deck covered in snow this morning. Whoever stole Spring, bring her back!

Haroula, have a great day!

Sue, are you still taking care of one of your grandchildren? I hope you survive Spring Break! hearts

Gerry, have a great day!

Gail, enjoy your lunch.

Midgie, I am sure your buddy Joe always has a stack of BB pancakes for you.

Connie, have fun in whatever you do today. Enjoy your warm weather.

manxman, have a great weekend.

Nan, he is a young guy that works at a Cadillac dealer during the day as a mechanic and has a shop in his garage that he rebuilds old muscle cars. He has saved us a boatload of money but we don't want to abuse his generosity which is why we didn't use him in the past.
I would love to go to Starved Rock with you. It's always hard to plan ahead because I never know when I am working. If I can, I will let you know. hearts
Good for you on getting your carry permit!

L4L, I hope the cleaning fairy shows up to lighten your load.

Off to Costco, then run the dogs and then making stuffed peppers. yay
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#880575 - 04/13/13 12:06 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7419
Loc: San Diego, CA
Gotta retrain my neighbor who adopted his son's cats. He has been accidentaly 'training' them to cross my yard to my driveway. He has no idea they 'learned' this behavior because he walks to the corner store every morning, buys a can of wet food for them and then feeds them when he walks back.

Sooo the kitties now figure if they follow him and wait till they see him walking back that they can then race back across my yard and through the fence to get the goodies.

This morning they were almost attacked by one of my ferals (the road crosser) who would for sure shred both of them. I intervened and hopefully I can have a discussion about feeding the 'treat' at another time which doesn't involve the walking and following.

Sigh. I really didn't want to 'raise' any more cats but now I'm not only dealing with those awesomely cute kitties, but their daddy. My energy is waning. Today he says he's going to put the flea drops (which I provided) on their necks. Hope he does it right. insane
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#880591 - 04/13/13 01:09 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42647
Loc: Alabama
Eeeek, snow eek

It's super beautiful out there right now. The doggies and I had a nice walk but we had to cut it a bit short as my left leg and lower back were very painful. No idea why but my gait felt "off" today.

Then home to feed everyone, and now heading up to the bedroom to change and get to work.

Back in a bit wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#880607 - 04/13/13 01:49 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9724
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Good morning Boomers. wave
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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