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#885440 - 05/04/13 12:17 AM Saturdiner
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30158
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
There are worse things in life than death. If you're ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean.
Woody Allen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. "
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don"t be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn"t have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you"re driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?"
"Only when he"s been drinking, officer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well .........?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

Welcome to the weekend! chocobunny

I'm happily hopeful that you all have a hippity hoppity happy day.

Hippity hoppity, hoppity hippity, hippity hoppity hopefully hopping down the hippity hoppity trail. Hoppity hippity hopefully happily hopping along.........................somewhere. snicker

OH yes. Happily hopping down the hippity hoppity hallway to bed. YAAAAAA! woot

WOOT WOOT!!

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#885444 - 05/04/13 12:38 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9723
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Have a great day Joe and thanks for the great jokes. smile
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#885448 - 05/04/13 12:46 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65793
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Have a great day Joe, space and all.

We had a great fundraiser last night. It's going to hurt today. lol

Have a happy day everyone.
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#885454 - 05/04/13 01:20 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8112
Loc: Greece
Have a great day Joe lolSpace,Ana and all who come in later wave
_________________________
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#885460 - 05/04/13 03:33 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6096
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Space,Ana,Haroula waveCoffee is ready enjoy your day everyone spring
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#885465 - 05/04/13 05:30 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17626
Loc: Marlborough USA
spring Good Morning Joe, SpaceQ, Ana, Haroula , Cailyn and all on the way to the Diner! Joe hope you get to do some head hunting! SpaceQ enjoy your day. Ana maybe a nice massage would help! Haroula have a fun day. Cailyn thanks for the coffee. Happy Day to All! spring
_________________________
Gerry

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#885473 - 05/04/13 06:49 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14746
Loc: Massachusetts
Good morning. I'm off to be with my Mom this morning. I'm hoping the traffic isn't gonna be too bad. I hate this trip. Thanks Joe for those funny openers. Any BB pancakes this morning? I can't see the menu from where I'm sitting.

I hope you all have a great Saturday. See you when I get back.

Midgie hearts
_________________________
Just do it.

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#885476 - 05/04/13 07:08 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14786
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, have a happy day today.

Ana, glad the fundraiser went well. Hope you have a relaxing day today.

Space, good morning.,

Haroula, happy day wished.

Cailyn, chilly start this morning but nice day coming up. Coffee please and thank you.

Gerry, any plans today?

Midgie, hope you have a wonderful visit with your Mom. Hope the traffic is light.

A great day is wished to all. catrub
_________________________
Gail

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#885492 - 05/04/13 08:34 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 04/16/05
Posts: 21511
Loc: Usually up an Alabama Tree
Good Morning Diner Boomers

Grin, thanks Joe for a great start every day

Ana, be sure to relax today as much as possible

Good morning SQF Haroula and Gerry

Cailyn, thanks for the coffee as it hits the spot on a rainy, chilly morning

Midgie, have a great visit with your Mom and drive safe

We've got a busy weekend with cleaning, a play, gaming, walking the dogs once the rain stops, gardening and of course listening to music whenever possible wink

Have a wonderful Saturday everyone wave
_________________________
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games

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#885519 - 05/04/13 10:07 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: soot]
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30158
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Good morning everybody. wave

Happy weekend to you! penguin

I'm off to work in just a little bit. yes

I hope you enjoy your day, and I'll see you all after 7:00. happydance

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#885531 - 05/04/13 10:30 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Online   content
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42646
Loc: Alabama
Super Saturday ya'll wave

It's rainy! It's grey! It's cold...eek, had to put on my sweats and my winter housecoat and shoes! Perfect day for cleaning which we will do as long as we can before my back calls a halt to the proceedings. But first, coffeeeeeeeeeee puppy

Midgy, be safe. Joe, have fun at work. Sell a million.
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#885534 - 05/04/13 10:37 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
SharonB Offline
Settled Boomer

Registered: 01/23/09
Posts: 935
Loc: Delaware, USA
Good morning all. Happy Saturday! Just looking for trouble. I'm about to play a couple games.

Joe, I was sorry to hear about your mom. In my case my mother had reached a point where she was having fender benders and needed to stop driving. As it happens, her car broke down and she couldn't get it fixed and her kid's refused to help her get it fixed. She got very depressed but she finally accepted she couldn't drive any more. And we all started going places for her or driving her so it wasn't too bad.

I didn't know that about opossums. You always learn something new on Gameboomers.

Have a great gaming day!

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#885538 - 05/04/13 10:59 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13808
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe thanks for the chuckles!!

Ana glad you had fun last night. May the corner be comfy and the project move right along for you!

Space enjoy the weekend. Rainy here and cold only low 30's.

Cailyn thanksfor coffee.

Gerry have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Gail what ya got planned today? I think it will be a gaming day since it is raining.

Midge prayers for the Band around you as you travel. Have a lovely visit with your mom.

Soot sounds like a busy weekend. Enjoy!!

L4l I hope that all goes well and that your back don't scream to loudly!!

Sharon happy gaming. Have a lovely day!

wave
Nan

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#885544 - 05/04/13 11:19 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Online   content
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42646
Loc: Alabama
Nan, how are you feeling?

Joe, we are going through that with Soot's mom too. The doc told her not to drive until she is not having anymore "episodes" but she is not happy about that. Perhaps if you explain to your mom that she could kill or cripple someone, or lose her home and all her savings in a lawsuit she would be motivated to stop driving.

I do empathize though. I know where we live there is No public transportation so if you can't drive, you are literally up the creek without a paddle or a boat. I am always happy not to drive as long as there is someone around to take me where I want to go, but I also know that I want to go when/where I want and that will be really difficult to give up when I must.

Soot's mom also does the "ears" out mode and "forgot" routine when she doesn't want to know something. Hugs to you!


Edited by looney4labs (05/04/13 11:20 AM)
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#885552 - 05/04/13 12:48 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7419
Loc: San Diego, CA
Another awesome day in paradise. Temp in the mid 70's and sunny and light sea breeze. I'm so happy to be here.

Neighbor's Son's cats are venturing further and further. They now cross my yard, cross my driveway and I spotted one of the going past the driveway into another neighbor's yard. This isn't good. I spoke to the 'owner' today and let him know of the progression and WHY they were doing it. They follow him as he walks to the liquor store to buy ONE can of food at a time each day. Yup, he's got them accidentally trained to the food excursion.

Told him to buy it in bulk at Wally Mart to save money and then they would get used to not having food each time he walks home with it. Hope he listens.

Feral Orange Kitty had a tussle with the male kitty who was in my front yard. Just a roll and hiss and growl. New kitty ran for home and Orange stood guard very proudly as I complimented him. Very funny. Maybe the newbies will stay in their yard, but I doubt it. Lots of room for everyone around here. cat
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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