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#885440 - 05/04/13 12:17 AM Saturdiner
gymcandy1 Online   happy
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29910
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
There are worse things in life than death. If you're ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean.
Woody Allen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. "
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don"t be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn"t have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you"re driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?"
"Only when he"s been drinking, officer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well .........?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

Welcome to the weekend! chocobunny

I'm happily hopeful that you all have a hippity hoppity happy day.

Hippity hoppity, hoppity hippity, hippity hoppity hopefully hopping down the hippity hoppity trail. Hoppity hippity hopefully happily hopping along.........................somewhere. snicker

OH yes. Happily hopping down the hippity hoppity hallway to bed. YAAAAAA! woot

WOOT WOOT!!

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#885444 - 05/04/13 12:38 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9357
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Have a great day Joe and thanks for the great jokes. smile
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#885448 - 05/04/13 12:46 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64300
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Have a great day Joe, space and all.

We had a great fundraiser last night. It's going to hurt today. lol

Have a happy day everyone.
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#885454 - 05/04/13 01:20 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7384
Loc: Greece
Have a great day Joe lolSpace,Ana and all who come in later wave
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#885460 - 05/04/13 03:33 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 5994
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Space,Ana,Haroula waveCoffee is ready enjoy your day everyone spring
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#885465 - 05/04/13 05:30 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 16765
Loc: Marlborough USA
spring Good Morning Joe, SpaceQ, Ana, Haroula , Cailyn and all on the way to the Diner! Joe hope you get to do some head hunting! SpaceQ enjoy your day. Ana maybe a nice massage would help! Haroula have a fun day. Cailyn thanks for the coffee. Happy Day to All! spring
_________________________
Gerry

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#885473 - 05/04/13 06:49 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14551
Loc: Massachusetts
Good morning. I'm off to be with my Mom this morning. I'm hoping the traffic isn't gonna be too bad. I hate this trip. Thanks Joe for those funny openers. Any BB pancakes this morning? I can't see the menu from where I'm sitting.

I hope you all have a great Saturday. See you when I get back.

Midgie hearts
_________________________
Just do it.

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#885476 - 05/04/13 07:08 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14152
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, have a happy day today.

Ana, glad the fundraiser went well. Hope you have a relaxing day today.

Space, good morning.,

Haroula, happy day wished.

Cailyn, chilly start this morning but nice day coming up. Coffee please and thank you.

Gerry, any plans today?

Midgie, hope you have a wonderful visit with your Mom. Hope the traffic is light.

A great day is wished to all. catrub
_________________________
Gail

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#885492 - 05/04/13 08:34 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 04/16/05
Posts: 21054
Loc: Usually up an Alabama Tree
Good Morning Diner Boomers

Grin, thanks Joe for a great start every day

Ana, be sure to relax today as much as possible

Good morning SQF Haroula and Gerry

Cailyn, thanks for the coffee as it hits the spot on a rainy, chilly morning

Midgie, have a great visit with your Mom and drive safe

We've got a busy weekend with cleaning, a play, gaming, walking the dogs once the rain stops, gardening and of course listening to music whenever possible wink

Have a wonderful Saturday everyone wave
_________________________
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games

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#885519 - 05/04/13 10:07 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: soot]
gymcandy1 Online   happy
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29910
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Good morning everybody. wave

Happy weekend to you! penguin

I'm off to work in just a little bit. yes

I hope you enjoy your day, and I'll see you all after 7:00. happydance

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#885531 - 05/04/13 10:30 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 41973
Loc: Alabama
Super Saturday ya'll wave

It's rainy! It's grey! It's cold...eek, had to put on my sweats and my winter housecoat and shoes! Perfect day for cleaning which we will do as long as we can before my back calls a halt to the proceedings. But first, coffeeeeeeeeeee puppy

Midgy, be safe. Joe, have fun at work. Sell a million.
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#885534 - 05/04/13 10:37 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
SharonB Offline
Settled Boomer

Registered: 01/23/09
Posts: 934
Loc: Delaware, USA
Good morning all. Happy Saturday! Just looking for trouble. I'm about to play a couple games.

Joe, I was sorry to hear about your mom. In my case my mother had reached a point where she was having fender benders and needed to stop driving. As it happens, her car broke down and she couldn't get it fixed and her kid's refused to help her get it fixed. She got very depressed but she finally accepted she couldn't drive any more. And we all started going places for her or driving her so it wasn't too bad.

I didn't know that about opossums. You always learn something new on Gameboomers.

Have a great gaming day!

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#885538 - 05/04/13 10:59 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13473
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe thanks for the chuckles!!

Ana glad you had fun last night. May the corner be comfy and the project move right along for you!

Space enjoy the weekend. Rainy here and cold only low 30's.

Cailyn thanksfor coffee.

Gerry have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Gail what ya got planned today? I think it will be a gaming day since it is raining.

Midge prayers for the Band around you as you travel. Have a lovely visit with your mom.

Soot sounds like a busy weekend. Enjoy!!

L4l I hope that all goes well and that your back don't scream to loudly!!

Sharon happy gaming. Have a lovely day!

wave
Nan

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#885544 - 05/04/13 11:19 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 41973
Loc: Alabama
Nan, how are you feeling?

Joe, we are going through that with Soot's mom too. The doc told her not to drive until she is not having anymore "episodes" but she is not happy about that. Perhaps if you explain to your mom that she could kill or cripple someone, or lose her home and all her savings in a lawsuit she would be motivated to stop driving.

I do empathize though. I know where we live there is No public transportation so if you can't drive, you are literally up the creek without a paddle or a boat. I am always happy not to drive as long as there is someone around to take me where I want to go, but I also know that I want to go when/where I want and that will be really difficult to give up when I must.

Soot's mom also does the "ears" out mode and "forgot" routine when she doesn't want to know something. Hugs to you!


Edited by looney4labs (05/04/13 11:20 AM)
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#885552 - 05/04/13 12:48 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Online   content
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7028
Loc: San Diego, CA
Another awesome day in paradise. Temp in the mid 70's and sunny and light sea breeze. I'm so happy to be here.

Neighbor's Son's cats are venturing further and further. They now cross my yard, cross my driveway and I spotted one of the going past the driveway into another neighbor's yard. This isn't good. I spoke to the 'owner' today and let him know of the progression and WHY they were doing it. They follow him as he walks to the liquor store to buy ONE can of food at a time each day. Yup, he's got them accidentally trained to the food excursion.

Told him to buy it in bulk at Wally Mart to save money and then they would get used to not having food each time he walks home with it. Hope he listens.

Feral Orange Kitty had a tussle with the male kitty who was in my front yard. Just a roll and hiss and growl. New kitty ran for home and Orange stood guard very proudly as I complimented him. Very funny. Maybe the newbies will stay in their yard, but I doubt it. Lots of room for everyone around here. cat
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#885566 - 05/04/13 01:59 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: Sorta Blonde]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9270
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope your Saturday is hoppin' in a very happy way!

Midgie, travel safely! hearts

Nan, sorry to hear you were feeling under the weather. Hope your feeling better today!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Sounds like everyone's day is off and running! Or hopping, as Joe would say. smile

Worked only a couple of hours yesterday morning, so spent the rest of the morning shopping with daughter, as she had the day off. She is such a remarkable young woman. I so love spending time with her. hearts

Hubby is seeing a client this morning, then it's an easy peasy day planned.

Alrighty, off to see what's afoot!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#885567 - 05/04/13 01:59 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Yankee Clipper Online   content
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 08/27/04
Posts: 2008
Loc: Lexington, Texas
Hi All - long time no post. All I'll say is never underestimate arthritis. It's healing but so slowly. Anyway I downloaded a HOG game 2 days ago and - they aren't easy. Never played one of those befor. It's fun, it's nightmares of the deep and the hint button is getting a workout. I can play PC games but not PS games because my thumb won't work the right post properly as yet, but in time.

So good reading the posts here daily and all take good care of your pets and wildlife around you. I wish all you well with your families and health.

Bye for now
_________________________
I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose

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#885614 - 05/04/13 06:48 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Online   content
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7028
Loc: San Diego, CA
Nice to see you back Yankee! Those HOG games are fun. I play them on the 'easy' setting first and I also use the HINT button till I wear it out. Have fun and don't let that nasty Mr. Arthritis get you down. I feel for ya (really, I've got arthy too.)
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#885615 - 05/04/13 07:06 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64300
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Hi everyone, so sorry I can't stay, I have a very tight deadline but I have two requests.

Nan can Evelyne please borrow the band for a trip to Italy tomorrow. She is back to a pounding head and can't go on the computer. thanks

Also, here is a pic from Midgie:

Midgie's mom hearts

Have an awesome day all! Life is good!
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#885616 - 05/04/13 07:16 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Marian Online   content
Moderator
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/04/00
Posts: 19351
Loc: near Yosemite in California
Thank you for posting the pic of Midgie's mom, Ana; she is a lovely woman. wave

I wish all Boomers a good evening; and big hugs to you, Ana. hearts

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#885617 - 05/04/13 07:20 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64300
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Marian hearts
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#885621 - 05/04/13 07:55 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13473
Loc: northern Wisconsin
lol L4l a little sore yet but that is expected. Makes it hard to eat though. Well at least if I had to stop driving the bus stops right in front of this place. I go out there most mornings and evenings to wave at my daughter riding the bus to and from work!!

Would be a hard thing though having to relie on somebody else for a ride. I remember when my car was down.

Sorta too funny about the kitties! Hope that guy does take your advise and by in bulk!!

Yankee good to see you. Did thay do any cortizone shots in the thumb?? After the third one mine are fine!! Although they let me know when the weather is changing. lol

Darlene sounds like a nice plan for the day, enjoy the easy peasy!! Only under the weather because half my tooth broke off and I had to have the oeal surgeon remove the rest of the tooth, lol

Oh Midge what a lovely picture of your mom!! What a lovely lady!!! Thanks for sharing. HUGS to you!!

Ana thanks for posting Midge's pic!! Prayers for the Band around Evelyne and hubby as they travel back to Italy!!!

wave
Nan

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#885624 - 05/04/13 08:16 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 41973
Loc: Alabama
Oh my goodness...body is screaming. More cleaning will happen tomorrow, but for the nonce, we are done.

Guest bedroom has been reclaimed, kitchen, dining room, and both halls are now sparkling. There is a thing or two left to wipe down in the kitchen but that can wait.

I'm off to soak in a hot bathtub. Wish we had a hot tub. Back in a bit. wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#885633 - 05/04/13 08:31 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14551
Loc: Massachusetts
Thanks Ana. kissy

edit:
I've had a wonderful day but I'm beat. See you tomorrow. Thanks again Ana for helping me with the picture. Mom will be 94 on the 6th. hearts

Midgie


Edited by Midge (05/04/13 09:17 PM)
_________________________
Just do it.

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#885652 - 05/04/13 11:03 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: Midge]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9357
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Good night Boomers. sleep
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#885655 - 05/04/13 11:39 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13473
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Midge glad you had safe travels!! HUGS!! You have a lovely mother!!

Night Space!!

L4l I use to soak in the tub but I have a problem with falling asleep and here there is noone to check on me. lol

Well time to find my pillow. Night everybody sleep well and pleasant dreams.

sleep
Nan

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#885656 - 05/04/13 11:55 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 41973
Loc: Alabama
Nan, I must say as much as I love my bath, I have not yet fallen asleep in there, but there is a first time for everything!

We finally beat Castle Panic happydance

Time for bed and a book. Sweet dreams ya'll sleep
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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