Bore: one who has the power of speech but not the capacity for conversation.
Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881)
It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.
We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?
The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.
A Fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party
When blondes have more fun,do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL
Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto:At least we're not Mississippi
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population
"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in and first he is green,
then he turns yellow
and then he's rotten."
"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
identify their corporate sponsors."
The reason Politicians try so
hard to get re-elected is that they
would 'hate' to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ParaprosdokiansPARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and frequently humorous:
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
24. I am neither for nor against apathy.
25. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
26. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
27. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
28. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
29. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
30. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
32. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
33. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
34. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~For all the ladies who have asked, "What is marketing?", the following analogies will help clear it up...
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
- That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
- That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
- That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
- That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
- That's Spam.
Good morning everyboomie.
I have an announcement to make.
It's with deep sadness and much regret that I have to tell you that......it's Monday.......and I am NOT happy about it!!
One of these days the powers that be are going to take my suggestion and eliminate this infernal day.
I think they're afraid that if they eliminate Monday then their lives will be cut short by 1/7th.
So my sister says, "If they eliminate Monday, wouldn't Tuesday just take it's place?" WHUT???
An intelligent thought?
Should have recorded the moment with Memorex.
Oh well,the only good thing about today is that I get off at 2:00, which means I get on
at 5:00, which means I get up at 3:30. 'woot woot'
I'm pretty happy to be alive today too.
Have a happy Monday (BLAAA) everyone.