More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
- Frank Sinatra
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
- Timothy Walsh
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
- Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
- Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
- Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
- Winston Churchill
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
- Humphrey Bogart
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
- Homer Simpson
These are actual notes from Doctors patient charts...
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Please don't hit me - my lawyer's in jail.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Lawyer says client is not that guilty.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Going to law is losing a cow for the sake of a cat.
It's better to be tried by twelve men than to be carried by six.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
Laws are like cobwebs which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through.
Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
On a bill from lawyer, typed by his secretary: Bull rendered: $500.
Grand Jury: One that say, "Not Guilty."
Lawyer: A cat who settles disputes between mice.
Man minus ear waives hearing.
Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back.
Judge Not Convinced Murder Victim is Still Alive
Lawyer Calls Soul As Witness
Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
"Your Honor, you're crazy!" said Tom judgmentally.
Lawyers are like beavers: They get in the middle of the stream and dam it up.
Testimoney: Fees paid to expert witnesses.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~This just in;
The world didn't end yesterday, but I have it on very good authority that it definitely will end within the next 100 billion years. Give or take a year.
Good morning everyboomie.
Say, if the bottom of your foot itches, does that mean your coming into some money, or does it just mean your boss is going to walk over you to get up the corporate ladder?
Probably just means that I need to scratch it.
It may be a really good day, or a really bad day.
My other foot itches now.
It's another 5:00am start for me today, so......
My sleeping pills are starting to sing a lullaby in my head.
I hope you all have a happy day.