I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER
10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.
9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.
8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."
6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.
5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.
4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.
3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."
2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.
1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.
Top Ten Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like...
10. Hey! Now there's a gift!
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don't deserve this.
Top Ten Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's...
10. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
8. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the US, but haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO...
10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.
9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.
8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.
7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".
6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.
4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.
3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park".
1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's
Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
Good morning everyboomie.
Gymcandy joe joe the dog face monkey boy here.
Well, that's not exactly accurate.
It should be joe joe the dog face old monkey man here.
Now that we've established that, WELCOME TO THE WEEKEND EVER BODY!!!
Ever seen an old man walk like an Egyptian?
I'll give lessons after I get off of work today.
If I can still walk at all that is.
I'd much rather get a new chariot though. Vroom Vroom!
I'm afraid I'll have to be indentured to the Pharaoh for a while longer.
The pyramid's not finished yet.
Have a happy day citizens.